Editor-In-Chief

New Job Ideas for Sean Spicer

In Politics on July 21, 2017 at 1:45 pm

By Michael Gallo

On Friday morning the much-maligned White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said “peace, I’m out” and resigned from the position that has brought him so much pain, torment, and internet notoriety. By all accounts he resigned over the hiring of New York financier Anthony Scaramucci as communications director. Which, all things considered, isn’t really a crazy thing to get upset about.

Throughout his short career as president, Donald Trump has shown a propensity for appointing people who have no business filling the role they were appointed to, which is an interesting way to run anything, especially the United States government. Scaramucci founded the global investment firm SkyBridge Capital, which sounds like the financial branch of the robots in the Terminator series. And while he doesn’t really have any experience as a communications director, he’s known to vehemently defend Trump which, to Trump, trumps actual experience.

And so what was Spicey to do? He told his boss the hiring was a bad idea, but when he was ignored because he’s balding and portly, he was left with no other course of action. He resigned from his prestigious post and accepted a life of not being ridiculed online, and not having to lie for a cretinous authoritarian narcissist.

But what is he going to do with this newfound freedom? Here are a few possibilities:

Become a communications director for a hot new startup

There’s a lot of money in Silicon Valley and the tech industry, and Spicey is looking for a payday. Maybe he’ll do press releases and on-camera interviews for the app Air-Hammr which is the Uber of mobile livestock slaughtering. Or maybe he’ll help with marketing initiatives for Start Me Up, a startup that comes up with ideas for other startups (and is already in debt because they spent a lot of money on the rights to the hit Rolling Stones’ song). Either way, Spicer has a long and storied history with communications and the directing of the aforementioned communications. Chances are he’ll end up in a similar role. Or he could try something different, like:

Hosting a game show called ‘Alternative Facts’

Even though Kellyanne Conway is credited with creating 2017’s hottest phrase, it was Spicer who was out on the front lines day in and day out and essentially lying to keep the heat off the seat. Now imagine that same energy and dodgy spirit hosting a game show where people are presented with questions or prompts and forced to come up with alternative facts. “This person is a cigarette smoking Kenyan Muslim”

“Who is Barack Obama?”

Correct!

Start selling a line of cooking spices and seasonings

“Spicey Likey!” is one slogan he can go with when he creates his own line of Cajun seasonings and spices. Despite the stereotype that white people never season their food, Sean “the Spice Master” Spicer will bring the heat for each meal just like he brought the heat on the press everyday. Who’s going to keep the press honest? Not Spice Master! He’ll be too busy creating a master blend of herbs and spices to rock your meals to their core!

“You can have it nicer, or you can have it Spicer, which one do you want!?”

Lying

But let’s be real, he’ll probably just take on another communications director role in politics where he’ll continue pushing an abysmal agenda and lying to save his own ass and the asses of the people he works for. Best of luck, and happy trails Spicey!

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New On NBC This Fall: Kitchen Konvicts

In Reviews on July 19, 2017 at 7:00 pm

By Michael Gallo

Do you like cooking competition shows? Are you enthralled by America’s Prison-industrial complex? Then you’ll love Kitchen Konvicts, coming to NBC’s Tuesday night lineup this fall! We found 30 inmates who were allowed to work in their prison’s kitchen due to good behavior and gave them a chance to compete for their freedom against some of the world’s best chefs. The action will heat up as they face off in a number of challenges to find out who reigns supreme and who can claim ultimate culinary glory.

Each week these 30 cooks will have to overcome high-pressure stakes to take their cuisine to the next level, which won’t be too difficult seeing as they learned to cook with microwaves and flaming rolls of toilet paper. With nothing but time on their hands, prison cooks have plenty of opportunities to develop unique and personal dishes, despite some tricky federal regulations that prevent most prisoners from getting the necessary nutrients in their diet by blocking access to basic ingredients. Now they’ll take those dishes to the Gulag where one hour against the world’s best will determine their fate. Can they chop, slice, dice, and filet their way to a free life?

Trips to the Gulag will feature a culinary face off between a professional chef and kitchen konvict, where both contestants will be given 30 minutes to complete a dish. Once the cooking is done, both chefs and prisoners are forced to “walk the yard” while judges determine the winner. Walking the yard is a great opportunity steady your nerves with a few pull-ups or bench press sets, or to stab your competition with a sharpened toothbrush handle. Trying to survive on the yard is hard, but it’s easier than trying to master prison cuisine. This season, contestants will try their hand at toilet wine, meat bread, ramen, pies, Oranj Drank, and prison sushi.

You may think it’s a bad idea to give knives and fire to hardened criminals and felons and you’re right. Seven professional chefs died from stab wounds while shooting this show, and NBC suffered over 1.2 billion dollars in property damage after prisoners set fire to studio 4F during a rooftop hostage situation.

“Out of respect for the families of the chefs we lost, we will not comment right now on the details of any alleged riots or other supposed violent disturbances, other than to confirm that we did in fact lose seven chefs while filming. However, it is important to acknowledge the circumstances in which those chefs were lost.” – NBC lawyers.

We fixed those “circumstances” by giving both prisoners and chefs a padlock in a tube sock to settle differences and knock
attackers unconscious (if their 5-Alarm Chili doesn’t first!).

This fall contestants will be sent packing.

Prisoners will cook pies out of graham crackers and melted jolly ranchers.

More chefs WILL BE shanked.

But in the end, there will only be one winner.

There will be only ONE ultimate Kitchen Konvict.