Editor-In-Chief

Crazy Carl’s Caverns: A Review

In Tales from Abroad on July 24, 2017 at 11:00 am

By: Kevin Sheffler

When I hit the car of Barnyard Lampoon’s Editor-In-Chief, Michael Gallo, I was coerced into writing a series of travel columns for his magazine. And after one of my first checks bounced, Mr. Gallo sent me down to Hot Springs, Arkansas to review Crazy Carl’s Caverns.

Humans have been obsessed with caves since we lived in them some 125,000 years ago and that obsession continues today, with attractions like the cave paintings in France, Fantastic Caverns in Springfield, Missouri, and spelunking (a popular hobby in the 90s where people went deep into caves for fun, apparently). It would appear Crazy Carl was trying to tap into this obsession when he created Crazy Carl’s Caverns, a tourist attraction in Hot Springs where visitors traverse dangerous caves without any source of light. And when I say there’s no source of light, I mean it: it is absolutely pitch black in the cave, and head lamps are banned for reasons that remain unclear. I stubbed everyone of my toes at least 37 times, and I hit my head on 16 different stalactites, four of those hits resulted in skull fractures.

What’s advertised as “science-based family fun” is really a horrific experience where you flirt with insanity.

While the total darkness is supposed to “disconnect you from your senses and allow you to relax in a form of Zen called ‘Puredark’” it actually results in a sort of terror that taps into an unconscious part of the brain that has probably been dormant since the days of early man. Within seconds of entering the cave you become disoriented and lost, with no path underfoot and a deafening silence which is infrequently pierced by the screaming of the lost. I was in Crazy Carl’s Cavern for close to three days, where I was forced to do unspeakable things to survive, the sound of my whimpering the only thing keeping me from going insane in the total darkness.

A photo from inside Crazy Carl’s Caverns

According to the website, only 6 out of every 10 visitors makes it out of the caverns and there have been 35 missing persons reports since the caverns opened two months ago. A majority of those missing persons cases are women.

What becomes wildly apparent very quickly is that Crazy Carl is in fact crazy. A certifiable madman, Carl apparently got this business running without any sort of permit, title, or registration, and frequently runs through the pitch black caverns screaming (something he’s able to do after having developed a natural form of night vision from living underground for so long).

It would appear Crazy Carl has a lot in common with Lester Ballard, the protagonist in Cormac McCarthy’s novel, Child of God. In that book, Lester kills women, wears their clothes, and has sex with their dead bodies in caves, the dwelling space he is forced into after society runs him out of every respectable form of housing.

I don’t know how this place is still open. My only theory is that the Better Business Bureau doesn’t make its way down to Arkansas very often. Is Crazy Carl doing this on purpose? What’s he doing to those missing people?

I sleep with the lights on. My therapist said I will never be the same again. I cry before, during, and after sex.

Never, ever visit Crazy Carl’s Caverns. Never. Please. Why has my god forsaken me?

New Job Ideas for Sean Spicer

In Politics on July 21, 2017 at 1:45 pm

By Michael Gallo

On Friday morning the much-maligned White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said “peace, I’m out” and resigned from the position that has brought him so much pain, torment, and internet notoriety. By all accounts he resigned over the hiring of New York financier Anthony Scaramucci as communications director. Which, all things considered, isn’t really a crazy thing to get upset about.

Throughout his short career as president, Donald Trump has shown a propensity for appointing people who have no business filling the role they were appointed to, which is an interesting way to run anything, especially the United States government. Scaramucci founded the global investment firm SkyBridge Capital, which sounds like the financial branch of the robots in the Terminator series. And while he doesn’t really have any experience as a communications director, he’s known to vehemently defend Trump which, to Trump, trumps actual experience.

And so what was Spicey to do? He told his boss the hiring was a bad idea, but when he was ignored because he’s balding and portly, he was left with no other course of action. He resigned from his prestigious post and accepted a life of not being ridiculed online, and not having to lie for a cretinous authoritarian narcissist.

But what is he going to do with this newfound freedom? Here are a few possibilities:

Become a communications director for a hot new startup

There’s a lot of money in Silicon Valley and the tech industry, and Spicey is looking for a payday. Maybe he’ll do press releases and on-camera interviews for the app Air-Hammr which is the Uber of mobile livestock slaughtering. Or maybe he’ll help with marketing initiatives for Start Me Up, a startup that comes up with ideas for other startups (and is already in debt because they spent a lot of money on the rights to the hit Rolling Stones’ song). Either way, Spicer has a long and storied history with communications and the directing of the aforementioned communications. Chances are he’ll end up in a similar role. Or he could try something different, like:

Hosting a game show called ‘Alternative Facts’

Even though Kellyanne Conway is credited with creating 2017’s hottest phrase, it was Spicer who was out on the front lines day in and day out and essentially lying to keep the heat off the seat. Now imagine that same energy and dodgy spirit hosting a game show where people are presented with questions or prompts and forced to come up with alternative facts. “This person is a cigarette smoking Kenyan Muslim”

“Who is Barack Obama?”

Correct!

Start selling a line of cooking spices and seasonings

“Spicey Likey!” is one slogan he can go with when he creates his own line of Cajun seasonings and spices. Despite the stereotype that white people never season their food, Sean “the Spice Master” Spicer will bring the heat for each meal just like he brought the heat on the press everyday. Who’s going to keep the press honest? Not Spice Master! He’ll be too busy creating a master blend of herbs and spices to rock your meals to their core!

“You can have it nicer, or you can have it Spicer, which one do you want!?”

Lying

But let’s be real, he’ll probably just take on another communications director role in politics where he’ll continue pushing an abysmal agenda and lying to save his own ass and the asses of the people he works for. Best of luck, and happy trails Spicey!

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In Ads on July 20, 2017 at 9:00 am