CMSU’S Human Hamster Ball Project Goes Terribly Wrong

By: Michael Gallo

National News

Central Missouri

In what will later be considered an ill-advised and doomed experiment the Central Missouri State University engineering department decided to design and construct human sized hamster balls. Furthering the ill-fated theme was the intention of the department to pilot the hamster balls upon their completion. The test run would be done on the infamous hill known to CMSU students as “The Widow Maker”, “Satan’s ass-crack”, and “Certain Death”.

“You know, looking back on it, it didn’t seem like such a poor idea. Granted I had been drinking the night I came up with the idea…a lot…like probably too much. I threw up into my pillowcase” said self-proclaimed alcoholic and CMSU engineering professor Richard Sloan.

The original idea was to construct a life-size hamster ball for humans out of a light-weight and nearly indestructible plastic alloy. Where the design began exhibiting flaws was its ventilation system. Or lack there of. Once sealed in the pilot of the hamster ball would literally have no way of acquiring a fresh oxygen supply. It’s estimated that an individual with an 8th grade education could have spotted the design flaw, but as is often the case Sloan had been drinking.

“What day was that? Tuesday? You know, there’s not much I remember from Tuesday. I couldn’t even tell you if that was before or after I pissed my pants” Sloan said.

With the failure-guaranteed plan set into motion the students gathered the supplies and the tools and began constructing the balls.

Upon completion the students took the hamster balls to the infamous hill. At this point the students selected a peer who the others had affectionately begun referring to as “Georgie” to test drive the ball. CMSU student Rachel Lupe guesses Georgie was picked for his small stature and timid demeanor. Georgie was placed in the ball, sealed in, and told to “fuckin’ get pumpin” by a visibly drunken Sloan.

What happened next, according to the 27 eye-witnesses, was a complete melt down of logic and safety. Georgie pressed on the ball, began rolling, slowly broke into a erratic jog, and then promptly passed out from a lack of oxygen. The ball continued down the hill with a comatose Georgie bouncing around inside.  The ball ricocheted off a small tree blowing it into splinters and redirected itself into oncoming traffic at the bottom of the hill.

Doctors say Georgie will make it. The same can’t be said for CMSU’s destructive projective. The plastic ball was reduced to a fine powder which was swept up by road crews while paramedics slowly removed an unconcious Georgie from a Volkswagen bumper.

“I could lie to you and say I never saw this coming…but I did” said Roger Thorns, CMSU Dean. “I mean you know CMSU stands for Call Me Stupid University, right? This stuff should be expected of us.”


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