30 things that just make sense to take to bed

By: Cody DiCavalcante

1. Yourself

2. Bottles of water or in Todd Dorsey’s case Propel: Flavored water is the new thing these days. Sugar, pound for pound

3. A sufficient amount of WD-40 on those nights where your amatuer hour is waning from constant trite in the workplace

4. A dog, preferably a big one because if you roll over and lay on top of a small dog like a poodle or a cocker spaniel you could risk their health or possibly lead them to a land of fatality. Hopefully their bark isn’t absent after yapping at rustling trees and drive-by’s the whole afternoon…

5. Medical records: Its never too late to check your prostate

6. Your sanity.

7. A loaded water gun filled with either sodium bicarbonate or grounded up Centrum and water. Either leave a detrimental mark in the eye of the beholder

8. An extra pair of underwear: There is always ALWAYS a chance of tricking bed bugs by placing another pair in the bed. By morning, the bugs will have formed a giant nest on your decoy Superman boxers and not your crotch. Take that Darwin.

9. A sack of marbles

10. Meredith Burton’s advice. The girl is a genius. Enough said.

11. Some kind of blanket or sheet for when it has become morning and you just aren’t ready to wake up, cover that window up with something that will leave the sun out for a couple hours

12. Fergon: Iron deficiency sucks

13. A list of references

14. Some kind of business card. If you place one directly in the middle of your pillow case and sleep on it, you could wake up the next morning with the blueprints for a fortune 100 company. It works. My friend Elton Santiago is walking proof or should I say Capitilist proof with a capital C.

15. Some kind of book. Lord of the Rings always works or maybe a nice Dr. Suess novella. Whatever it is, make sure there is at least one picture. It increases chances of vivid dreams.

16. A picture of a loved one

17. A portrait of a loved one

18. A lock of hair from a loved one

19. Marie Antwoinette’s favorite knickers

20. A bunch of twenties. Lately it has been common for strippers to end up in a four-post bed and rock the residential house into a energetic bordello. Welcome to 2010.

21. Ninja constellations: They are better than ninja stars

22. R.E.M’s greatest hits 1988-2003: Go to track 18

23. A cd player or MP3 player which in that case you wouldn’t need R.E.M.’s  greatest hits, just a will to download

24. A laptop for internet shopping between the hours of twelve and four A.M. (It calms the nerves but constricts the cash flow, so take caution)

25. A presidential address to the nation. Abe Lincoln’s is long and gets the job done.

26. A desire to rage

27. A desire to desire

28. A portable airbag for those who you don’t want in your bed. People who smell or talk a lot or just have an un-desire to rage. Just push the button and deploy. Light the fires and kick the tires.

29. A pair of un-worn etnies. If you wear them, they will come.

30. A care package from your enemy

Thanks for reading my list. As you know most of these aren’t real suggestions for what should be brought to bed but maybe considered next time your find yourself getting ready for sleepy time. I hope all of you have a great day and remember, its never too late to learn a pop-shove it!

Signing off,

Cody DiCavalcante

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