How To: Make Your Own Sweatshop

By: Michael Gallo

Do you often think about entering the fast paced world of sporting goods? Do you wonder how you could possibly compete with giants like Nike and Adidas? Well Barnyard Lampoon has the answer. We have detailed instructions on how you can start your very own sweat shop! Once you get the sweat pumping a large amount of product is sure to follow.

#1: Find a nice location. We suggest something tiny and cramped with minimal light. Bonus features include: trickling water on one wall, or exposure to either extreme heat or cold.

#2: Set up the amenities. Really spice up the “room” with a bucket in the corner for your employee to defecate and piss in. Remember, you don’t care if they piss themselves but you’ll be damned if that little jerk is gonna get piss on your product.

#3: Set up shop. A chipped two dollar table from a garage sale is one way to really kick things up a notch. Next, add whatever machinery you need to complete your product. Go easy on how technologically advanced it is…trust me. And if you don’t trust me then ask the bank in Lee Summit how easy it was to get back up and running after getting robbed by sewing machine-wielding immigrants.

#4: Find an employee. Lucky for you you don’t have to have an interview. Or an application. Or any sort of mutual agreement…or compliance.

#5: Get to work! Start pumping out product. Most sportswear companies like Nike, Adidas, Asics, and the Bush family find soccer balls and tennis shoes an easy product to make.

#6: Start yelling. No matter how fast or hard they are working make sure to degrade them. Try tearing down their moral structure. If you happen to get one of those resilient bastards try smashing the dignity of their family.

#7: Pretend to be displeased with the product. No matter what. Even if they shit gold.

#8: Pay your employees. Be real careful here. Start at 10 cent increments. Literally, start at 10 cents.

#9: Avoid the authorities.

#10: Enjoy the profit. Most legit, ethical, and legal companies would send some of this profit back down to the worker, but you’re not most companies! DO YOU WANT SUCCESS?? Then quit complaining and spend the money on a drug habit.

There you have it. Stick to these guidelines and tips and you’ll be making quality sports gear in no time flat. Just don’t mention this article in the court of law…


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