Chimps Develop Tools and Legal System, Look Next to Flight

By: Michael Gallo

Two separate studies have been completed in the past week in regards to the social climate and conditions that Chimpanzees live in. One study was done by Swedish zoologists and the other was completed by a group of misguided college students from Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa.

“This study was absolutely incredibly” says Swedish Scientist Bjorn-Bjorn Slyujdegic. “These Chimps not only move in families and throw their own feces but they also appear to have copyrights!”

Slyujdegic was referring to an alarming trend in the Chimpanzee societies that the scientists observed in their most recent study.  In some instances Chimps would belt out loud gutteral noises that scientists have theorized are “most likely songs essential to the mating process”. However, in most recent cases some Chimps that belted out songs similar to their peers were then approached by another Chimp and given a cease and desist order. In a similar situation Chimps that attempted to smash small nuts open with large rocks were approached by a group of Chimps who discussed in “near perfect english” that the specific rock being used was trademarked and that the Chimp should stop or risk being prosecuted by an entire firm of Chimpanzee attorney’s. Chimp attorney’s, much like the similar human variety, often sit in circles scratching each other’s heads and asses and yell incessantly until one faints. The remarkable likeness between the two types of attorneys has most scientists baffled. Especially the Iowa State group.

“You know to be honest, I’m an Interior Design Major” says Anne Ruft, Iowa State Student. “I went in to talk to my advisor about Curtains and Drapery 351 and the next thing I know I’m signing papers and I end up in the Congo at an established Chimpanzee reserve. Like what the fuck? I’m not a zoologist. I can’t spell Chimpanzee.”

“No comment” said Victor Tank, Iowa State University academic advisor.

Slyujdegic continued discussing in-depth what the future of the Chimpanzee species looks like. “You know people seem hooked up on the fact that Chimps use tools and observe death in a similar fashion to humans” says Slyujdegic. “What we should be looking at is the fact that their about 2-3 weeks away from developing a fully functional front-propelled WWII fighter plane.” In his recent observations Slyujdegic says the Chimps completely bypassed the developmental stages that help up the Wright Brothers for so long and instead started tinkering on a downed WWII Spitfire Triumph.

“Where they got the frame is still in question…where they got the parts to get the plane running…is also in question” says fellow Swedish scientist Yuglo-servi Floogin. “They’ve gotten the plane going down a make-shift runway but these Chimps, in their primitive state, put a V-6 engine in the Spitfire. The RAF during WWII was operating these machines on V-4 engines. A V-6 is simply too heavy. Just how little these Chimps know is still extraordinary to me.”

What it would mean for the zoologist community if the Chimps were able to tackle flight is unknown at the time.

“I suppose we don’t have to worry about anything until they develop radar and some form of air traffic control” says Floogin. “Their eye-sight is pretty terrible and this jungle is dense…that would be a very short flight.

Short…but historic.


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