New Band Strives To Be “Different” and “Break Conformity”, Achieves Failure

By: Michael Gallo

An up-start punk band that refers to themselves as “Giant Emu Vomit” has recently moved past the volatile world of only practicing in their mother’s garage and has decided to take their music, which bassist Matt Hennen call’s “Similar to Angels Ripping Ass”, on stage where they can bless thousands of otherwise lost souls who have not yet heard Giant Emu Vomit.

“I’m pretty fucking stoked dude, like fuck. Fuck, seriously. Like no shit…I’m fucking pumped.” said lead singer and self-proclaimed “anarchist” Pat “Icky” Luggard. “We were thinking of band names and our buddy Fat Gimp was like you should be called Giant Emu Vomit, cause supposedly if you hear an Emu vomit you’re like one of only 13 people in the world to hear it.”

While there is no scientific evidence to support that fact, the truth remains that Giant Emu Vomit is ready to take the world by storm.

“We designed these wicked awesome fucking posters, like that…aren’t anything like any other fucking band is doing.” Icky continued. “We basically took letters from magazines and cut them out and made our band poster look like a ransom note. It’s fucking sick. Only word for it. And ruft!”

Unbeknown to Icky and the rest of his band the style of poster being mentioned is wildly popular among shitty bands and ruft is not a word.The poster was designed by Giant Emu Vomit close friend Paul “Tugs-it” Suru who also happens to be the drummer of Slippery Gootch Rocket, a band that is also on the ticket the night of Giant Emu Vomit’s debut performance.

“I knew I had to do something fucking fresh” says Tug-it, who failed at doing something “fresh”. “I was like fuck dude look, we have some of the best bands in the lower-midwest, south of Nebraska but north of Oklahoma. How do I let people know? So I made a font that looked like  ransom note, and then using Photoshop I made a picture of The Grim Reaper shooting a baby out of a cannon. Then, in the top corner, I made a picture of Bill Nye the science going blowing three lines of fat Columbian blow.”

Playing with Giant Emu Vomit the night of their debut is, of course, Slippery Gootch Rocket, David Hasselhoff on Whippets, Testicle Racecar, Thunder Stick, Jugt, Bill Cosby Robbing Old Women, and local heroes Prostitutes on Probation.

Even with all the buzz being generated by that “stacked” list of performing bands, experts are unable to tell just how effective the poster style has been in garnering support for the band. But one thing is for sure.

“This concert is gonna melt your taint bro” Icky added assuredly.

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