By: Cody DiCavalcante
It was late in the August of 2015 when I found out that time travel was possible. For years, I had been studying different manuals and guides as to how to get my device to work. Looking back on the aeronautical code of Sir Winston Churchill when he had gone under the possession of Morpheus and the whispered confessions of Harriet Tubman. No where in sight was the answer. If I was going to make this work, It was on me. I was the only hope. With the help of my collegue, Greer Gaddie, I had put together a machine made mostly of chewed gum I had scraped off elementary school student desks and petrified wood. With this machine, I could send back some of the most innovative minds that earth has known.
My first specimen would be Thomas Edison. The man who had spent much of his life under the idea of invention and not just invention by self but with teamwork. Not only did I have the high-spirited and highly intellectual Miss Gaddie of Rothburg, Louisiana to help me but also Kenneth Andes, Timothy Swindle and Professor Monsmon. “I believe we are ready to start the time traveling sequence, Dr. DiCavalcante.” Greer said in a southern drawl. “Perfect, just perfect. Alright set the CONTRA to 450. Increase the dependency of Romulon to 14% and cross-examine that marmot over there,” I said then turning to the others I gave the last bit of demands. “Kenneth, regurgitate a section from Brahms 5th concierto. Mr. Swindle, activate the star cluster M-938’s planetary rotation and Professor Monsman…just make yourself comfortable. This could get diabolical.”
The operation was running smoothy. So smoothly, I believed it might be the perfect time to shotgun a Keystone Light. Greer motioned for the pull-down of the switch. Counting down, 3,2,1. Then it happened. Mr. Swindle pulled down on the switch releasing the ork’s. The ork’s began to massage the wire’s that led to the beast, stimulating their electrical impulses. Within minutes the room began to shake. The kitchen shelves began to push food into the air knocking it to the ground. My Nilla wafers hit the floor. They lie there sprawled across the tile. They are still good if within a 10 second time frame. I tried to make a run for the wafers but then an explosion blew me right out of my sneakers, throwing me to the other side of the room. My vision began to take on strange shapes. I began to see things. I saw Bette Midler fly by on an intoxicated moose, but then again she was a local. Who knows what was happening. I hoped it would all be over soon. If this plan didn’t work, I wouldn’t care if the Nilla wafers were covered in toxic chemicals, I’d for sure be in a bout of depression and send them deep into my body.
My eyes began to slowly open. Everything in the room began to take shape. The white walls, the white computers, the white gradualated cylinders. EVERYTHING WAS WHITE! A scientist lives a white life with very few white lies. “The machine!” I thought. I quickly got up and began to feel my head mesh with pounds of blood. It was like a waterfall of black draped over my eyes. I had to muscle through the light-headed downfall. Running past the Fruit Loop simulator, I noticed Greer hiding in the cabinet where we kept the experimental frogs. She pointed towards the machine which I was running for. As I got closer I noticed an intense white light shine through the inside of the machine. An object stood in the middle. The outline looked like a human being. I had hoped it would be what i had been waiting for the whole time. It was.
Thomas Edison took on a stoutly shape. His clothes were wrinkled and dusty as an old book. His shoes were probably intended for tap dance and his moustache reeked of 1915 saloons. I didn’t know what to do. I told Greer to turn on some music, preferably classical. It was the opposite though. What blared over the speakers came from 10 or so years ago. Blink 182’s “First Date” began to permiate into Edison’s ears. I let out a big sigh and began to feel something horrible was going to happen, it did. Edison, dove into the kitchen and hid in the oven. I motioned for the music to be shut off. The music ceased. I walked over the to the kitchen and opened up the over door. “Edison, my good fellow, this may not have been the most inviting welcome to our time and I’d like to apologize. I’m Dr. DiCavalcante. I have brought you into the future for a study along with your good company. Nod if you wish to comply.” He stood in the oven, twirling his moustache and opening his mouth as if he wished to say something. I searched the kitchen for something of tasty reverence that would pull him from his state of pants-shitting fear and saw a piece of beer jerky loom in the corner. I reached over and grabbed it. “Here, this is good. You eat it, you know eat?” I instructed Edison. He didn’t understand what was going on. How he didn’t know what I was saying cause he himself was an American citizen baffled me. “Let me have that, douche rocket!” My mouth dropped. Greer’s curling iron dropped. The others were getting stoned and therefore there IQ’s were dropping and had continued to drop since 1998. I stood up and tripped over the vacc-u-bot. How had he come to know such slang?
I began to look back on recent discoveries in the subject of time travel and found on Page 56 of Marvin Gatey’s book “Time Traveling and Bohemian Touchdown’s”. It stated that sometimes in certain time traveling ventures, specimens can go through loopholes of civilization and pick up bits of culture within matters of seconds. This had been the case of Mr. Edison. I looked back at Edison, who within an hour had created a skateboard out of one of our computers and managed to do a nolley trey over an ottoman. Edison, had already managed to pass through several time pockets and become a man of the present.
I felt I should do something with Edison. Take him to the papers? No, too harsh. Send him to school? Nah, too judicial. Let him do whatever he wants? Check. It was nearing the end of the day. I already knew I wasn’t going to send Edison back. He was going to stay right here. He was the first of many to be sent through time and into the present. Tonight he shall dine with the crew and learn what its like to eat corned beef and beer bong a cheap American lager. Red Roses and tales about Moses, this was the anchor that I had been searching for. It was nearing 5 in the afternoon by the time Edison grew tired and put down the skateboard he had created. We all went out for dinner at Applebee’s. Just to be safe, I painted Edison’s face with war paint and made him wear a blonde wig to supper. Even dressed as a drag queen, he had the appearence of a miracle.