Hopes, Dreams, and Ambitions: My Goals for the Summer

By: Michael Gallo

1) To go to the ER less than 5 times.

2) To finally reunite with my old prison buddy Big Starr. By breaking him out of Leavenworth Penitentiary. Big Starr, Michael Vick got out almost three years ago, this isn’t funny anymore.

3) To avoid getting hurt at work.  While this is typically easy for most people, I work in an environment where safety comes (at best) third. As an assistant for carpenters and electricians, I am put into, on a daily basis, several situations where I could do great bodily harm to myself.  The problems typically stem from the fact that I am surrounded by people who are both my age and very similar to me.  Instead of simply opening the door to the dumpster and placing an old chair inside, it is quicker and more fun to get a spinning start and hammer throw the chair over the side of the dumpster and into a heaping pile of trash.  Furthermore, as the summer progresses I will find myself more involved with the electricians and therefore presented with an increasingly high number of opportunities to accidentally start a fire.  However, I will prevail.

4) To break someone’s pelvis in a street fight and then get the ensuing police report tattooed onto my back.

5) To finally get the Large Hadron Collider in my room up and running again.  During school I find it increasingly more difficult to find time to collide opposing particle beams of protons. And  I swear, if CERN sends me one more letter telling me to shut it down, I’m going to straight up lose it. Does NASA shut down every amateur rocket builder? No. Let’s not smash the minds of tomorrow. Stupid Europe…

6) To finish all 7 seasons of Trailer Park Boys

7) To learn how to use hydroponics for entirely legal purposes.  Supposedly you can grow some pretty incredible stuff.  And before the DEA starts bringing the heat, they should know I am only going to attempt to grow fruit.  And industrial grade hemp. Just kidding! No but for real…

8) To assemble a jet engine out of plumbing parts bought at Home Depot (Credit to my Uncle Gary who has already accomplished this).

9) To figure out what to do with the failed dog cloning experiment in my closet.

10) To finally master flight.

11) To get into a situation where I can finally use my “Yeah, well maybe if you weren’t an engineer…” line.  This will most likely only be effective if I ever find myself consoling an engineer who is visibly distraught at the fact he designed a bridge that collapsed.

12) To take the fire alarms I acquired in the GSP demolition and wire them into our apartment to create an effective fire prevention and alert system for Greg and I.

13) To find my spirit animal after a 3 day hike through the Norwegian forest.  However, if #7 goes wrong, I may not be able to leave the country.

14) To try every Chinese restaurant in town before summer’s end.  If I acquire food poisoning at any location, the consumption doesn’t count.

15) To avenge the death of M-Bone.

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