By: Michael Gallo
As I continue my post- graduation job search, the city of Austin remains one of the most desirable cities to end up in. In fact, it appears like a glimmering star on the US map. A living utopia, a modern day Eden. Not only is it cheaper than New York, but it boasts a young population that is nothing like the rest of Texas. Is it sad that a city’s selling point is that it’s nothing like the state that surrounds it…? No, just look at Lawrence, Kansas. I lived there for four years, and look at me. I’m kick ass. With the help of my previous roommate- turned- real estate agent Greg, I’ve been looking at a few apartments in Austin through Craigslist. One in particular really caught my eye. It wasn’t the location, price, or even the amenities. Nope, what got me was the ironically intolerant radical feminist that any potential renter would have to call a roommate. If you’re experiencing any sort of disbelief, go ahead and view the ad before continuing with this article.
almost every line of this advertisement is absurd. For instance, the very first line of the ad…
“Small room in a small house with a great roommate. Queer, radical feminist with no animals preferred.”
…it’s as if this person sat down and asked themselves “how can I scare off every potential renter?” Hey, wanna live in a closet sized room in a house no bigger than a tool shed? Yeah? Well what about sharing that space with a homosexual radical feminist that owns a chihuahua that’s potentially as old as you are? I’m fairly certain feminists are great people. There’s nothing wrong with being proud that you’re a woman. But the word “radical” is pretty loaded. Don’t believe me? A feminist may support strong women in the media, or even choose to not wear a bra in highly visible social situations. On the other hand, a radical feminist may detonate a powerful bomb in a men’s restroom, or set fire to a strip club. One’s potentially awesome, the other potentially results in a body count. That seems pretty heavy for subletting. But it get’s better with the second line…
“Your temporary roommate is a badass, 30-something queer feminist with 2 jobs, 2 cats and a 19 year old chihuahua. The animals are well cared for and you would have no responsibility for them”
Uh oh folks, we have a badass on our hands. What does that comment imply? Has she ever robbed a bank? Made money as a cage fighter? Maybe she killed a cop with her bare hands one time. But please…as a potential renter, let me know why she’s a badass. I may assault my roommates on a regular basis and deem myself a “badass”. If that’s the case with this potential roommate…who would want to live with her? I have to know! And while you’re at, just give me her age. 30 something? Does it really have to be a mystery? Her age can’t be nearly as enigmatic as how her chihuahua made it to fucking 19. Supposedly, a dog year is like 7 human years. That would put this radical feminist’s chihuahua at the ripe old age of 133. But Mike, an over-zealous (dare I say “radical”?) dog lover will say, small dogs live longer so 1 of their years wouldn’t equal 7 of ours. Okay pretentious dog lover, I hear you. Let’s settle on 6. The dog is still around 114 years old. That’s stupid. Do you know what a 114 year old person would act like? This dog must be miserable. Do everyone (but mostly the dog) a favor and put it down. I’m a self proclaimed dog lover, but a 19 year old chihuahua isn’t enjoying life anymore. Be a radical pet lover and act humanely.
I’ll let the 2 cats thing go, but 2 jobs? Do you want a medal? Why is that advertised? Because she won’t skimp on rent? Because she’ll never be there? Because she’s paying hefty vet bills due to owning a dog that’s a phenomenon? I don’t care that she has two jobs. I’m more focused on the negative in this ad. Like the fact that there’s no air conditioning. Perfect, while I listen to this radical feminist do whatever she does I get to sweat myself to sleep. Do you know what I love in hot, cramped places? Cats. As I soak through my sheets I can choke on cat hair. I don’t know if this apartment could get any better. Oh, what’s that? There’s no internet? Are you fucking serious? Do you know who doesn’t have internet? Oppressed Iranian revolutionaries. This is really the icing on the cake. This radical feminist is living in the stone age.
The ad goes on to claim that any homophobic people and racists should “look elsewhere”. That seems pretty intolerant. It sounds very much like the “Irish need not apply” signs that once adorned the windows of American shops in the early 1900s. So if you think men are pigs that should die, go ahead and email this woman. But if you’re in the least bit intolerant…you will not be tolerated.
I bet people are lining up to live in this apartment.