.XXX: The Elimination of Accidental Porn Visits

A Post By: Michael Gallo

It’s 2am on a Saturday morning.  You and your friends have just left the bar after having put away gallons of beer and liters of liquor all to celebrate your friend’s new pregnancy (or something along those lines). Stumbling along with your friends someone says “damn, I could really go for some breakfast food!” Everyone chuckles and agrees.  You volunteer to look up some breakfast hot spots on your mobile phone.  Being that your in the greater Boston area, you search the phrase “Boston Pancake”.  Maybe, if you’re naive enough, you go to Bostonpancake.com.  The images that pop up next would kill your grandmother.  You have stumbled across porn.  Your inquisitive, nosy friend looks over your shoulder and snorts before blowing snot out of her left nostril.  You’re labeled as a pervert and never see those friends again.  You miss the birth of your friends baby (you had your fingers crossed from the start because she celebrated her pregnancy announcement at a bar) and you slowly become alienated from the rest of the world.  You stop shaving and stumble out of your apartment only to get bread and coconut water.  The clerk at the convenience store on the corner mistakes your request for beef jerky for the phrase “walk with me dear Allah”.  After noticing the beard he confuses you for a radical, militant Muslim and puts two rounds into your shoulder (The clerk was from Najaf, they don’t mess around there).  You wake up in the hospital with no friends, a bullet wound, and no beef jerky.  All because you accidentally stumbled across porn on your way to a drunken breakfast.

Has this ever happened to you?  If the statistics are true, then this has happened to 5 out of every 27 people.  Luckily, the porn industry (an industry known for human compassion and concern for the general public’s well-being) wants to eliminate this from happening.  Reportedly, the world wide web will now be accommodating the url ending “.xxx”. The ending, an alternative to .com, will be used to differentiate a typical website from a pornography website.  So now, with that wedding coming up, you can safely go to tibetanbowtie.com and ACTUALLY search for Tibetan bow ties.

This will come in handy for one reason and one reason only.  Children.  In elementary school we were told to complete an assignment about the United States government (I think the assignment was something about evaluating the tax cutting policies of the past 35 presidents and compare and contrast them to the economic philosophies of the founding fathers and the flourishing colonial economies).  My teacher, a lovely lady with a peg leg, eye patch, and metal prosthetic jaw, told us that a certain website could help us with the assignment. She made it very clear:

Teacher:  whitehouse.gov will help you complete this assignment. .GOV. G-O-V. GOV!! DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go to whitehouse.com.  This is pornography.

All the children stare at her.  No one knows what the word “pornography” means.  She notices this and continues:

Teacher:  Pornography consists of photos and videos with naked women in them.

The room explodes.  None of the boys in the class knew this even existed.  Some are pissed that this information was never given to them, some are ecstatic, some cry for no apparent reason.  But you tell me…did most of those boys avoid whitehouse.com? If you’re dense and have a hard time connecting the dots, I’ll tell you.  The boys went to that site like a moth to a light.  Now this won’t happen.  .com is used for almost every website (minus those that utilize the .org .edu and .gov endings).  However, it will be more difficult to confuse whitehouse.gov with whitehouse.xxx.  God bless the children!

Otherwise, the idea is pretty stupid.  When I’m surfing the interweb for info on homemade hallucinogens I don’t have to go to homemadehighs.hazmat.  See what I’m saying? Why not categorize everything we want out children to avoid? Like budweiser.booze. Remington.gun.  This way our children and other innocent people will never discover anything dangerous.  Oh wait, because they will! It will just take one kid to realize boobs.com moved to boobs.xxx.  Just like it only took one kid to realize if you bent over, choked yourself for a 10 count, then popped back up, you’d pass out cold for like 20 seconds.  That spread like fucking wild fire.  It’s dumb and dangerous but it still got around fast, and it wasn’t even on the internet! Sort of like a young Paris Hilton…

Lastly, the people who came up with this idea want to avoid there being a LindseyLohan.xxx.  So names are out along with names of countries and other important things of that nature.  Otherwise, if your local self run business that’s unfortunately called Nipples ‘R’ Us (THE provider for breast milk pumps) wants to avoid turning into Nipplesrus.xxx, you will have to buy the url for $200 dollars to avoid having someone else use it.

I’m just glad the people behind the production and distribution of porn are so considerate and innovative.

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