A Post By: Michael Gallo
Some information just works better as word of mouth. For instance: tribal stories, creation myths, drug deals, and most definitely family bank account information. However, few people think about using it to get information about movies that are currently out. Sometimes word of mouth works a lot better than reading any “review” or “synopsis”. In fact, sometimes it’s better than seeing the movie itself! So I talked to my cousin’s best friends parole officer and got the low down about some of the movies that are in theaters right now.
*warning: The following information may be slightly inaccurate or all together wrong. I am not responsible for any misleading movie information.
The Help: The Help, according to my cousin’s connection, is a heart warming story about the FEMA rescue of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. At least he thinks so. The movie has a lot of black people in it and it takes place in the South. Although it looks like an “old timey” movie, it really isn’t. New Orleans just has a passion for antique items and a reluctance to let things go. Hence why so many old people ended up on their roofs with half their house underwater. Luckily FEMA came in and helped everyone. Now do you see why it’s called The Help? There was some controversy though. Either it’s really racist, or George W. funded the whole movie. Or maybe it was both…
Horrible Bosses: This one is pretty pertinent and definitely of topical significance. According to my source it’s about the bosses at Goldman Sachs. While the rest of the country was eating ketchup sandwiches, these fat cats were enjoying some of the biggest bonuses they had ever gotten. “What Horrible Bosses!” you’re surely saying to yourself. See how the title of the movie can tell you so much about its content?
Apollo 18: I had a hard time believing my source about this one. According to him, and he saw it a month ago despite a September 2nd release date, it’s the eighteenth installment in a series of movies about space. I was flabbergasted. I don’t really recall the first seventeen movies coming out, but my cousin’s source has never given me a reason to not trust him. Some memorable quotes from the film:
“Let’s boldly go where we have gone 17 other times” – an astronaut
“Dude, you sure this is the moon?” – another astronaut
“What happens if I take my helmet of-” – an astronaut before choking on moon air
Look for Apollo 19, due out next year.
The Debt: This is another feelgood movie. It’s about two friends who always have fun together but one day one friend is busy so he tells his friend, “I owe you one day of fun!” He’s in fun debt! My cousin’s source said something about Nazis…but he had a mouthful of sushi so I’m not really sure what the hell he was talking about. Who could have fun with Nazis? Besides Rush Limbaugh.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: This is about the Boston Red Sox in the 2000’s. It’s about a bunch of hairy dumbasses thinking they’re a lot smarter than they really are. The movie ends with humanity’s last hope (the New York Yankees) winning the World Series in 2009 and restoring order to the universe. Rill Good movie.
Contagion: My cousin’s friend and I took his parole officer to a bar and ended up getting a little drunk. Which may explain why Contagion sounds so weird. According to his parole officer it’s about suburban couples who spread some unwanted diseases through promiscuous activities. I didn’t believe him but the parole officer said he spoke to his mechanic who saw his dad watch it, and said it’s about couples who swing. He explained the most dramatic scene: Matt Damon’s character (he plays a South African rugby player) goes to the hospital to see his wife. Who is…at…the hospital…
Matt Damon: I want to see my wife!
Doctor: She’s dead, bruh.
Matt Damon: What do you mean she’s dead!?
Doctor: What do I look like a doctor!? Just kidding, yeah she’s really dead. From an “unwanted disease”
Matt Damon: What are you talking about!? She said those were cold sores!
Drama. Tension. Pain. Love. Contagion has it all. The mechanic told my cousin’s friend’s parole officer something about birds in Asia, but the mechanic had a meth problem up until last Saturday so you should never really listen to him.
That’s all for now, no need to thank me. I know I just saved you the time and hassle of sitting through a whole bunch of dumb movies, but that’s my job.