College Conference Realignment: Like a Traffic Accident, But Worse

A Post By: Michael Gallo

About 10 years ago, Norway had a popular television show called “Floogjin flijt Gurenherner” which translates to: Everyone Take A Hammer! Essentially, it was a game show. Contestants would be picked out of the crowd by a God like figure, given a large sledge hammer and told to stand by a closed door. When the God like figure yelled “slurtjitter!” (Norwegian for “Come through the door please”) a mass of people would come through the door and it would be up to the contestant to knock out as many as possible with the hammer. If he hit 30+ he got to go into the Muslim Lightning Round where he would be able to hit a Muslim with a hammer. They REALLY hate Muslims in Scandinavian.

Simply put, this is a highly effective analogy for the conference realignment which is currently shaking the very foundation of college sports.  In the land of college sports, football is king.  Football stadiums in the SEC can hold up to 100,000 people! And they fill them with every drunk football loving hick you can imagine (and some students).  Can you imagine a game at the University of Florida’s famed stadium “The Swamp”? Rich white kids sitting next to a guy with meth falling out of his nostrils.  If one were to go to a Florida football game they could spin blindfolded until they stopped and point at a random person.  This person will have undoubtedly both dated and killed a prostitute.  But Florida has a storied football program and fills the seats.  This is what people want.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a perennial basketball powerhouse and home to the original rules of the game just because a previous coach actually INVENTED the game.  Well, it may have some bearing on the decision process, but ultimately it’s all about football.  So now everyone is scrambling to find a conference that will get them the most lucrative television contract.  Easy enough to understand right? Well, it gets a little more complicated. For instance, this question:

Will there be a separate super conference for online schools?

See? Everyone thinks they have it all figured out and then BOOM! I bet you didn’t think about online schools.  I guess Bartonline.org could join the Pac-34.  “Mike, online schools can’t join those conferences!” Shut up and sit down, I’m about to hit you up with some truth.  Bartonline charges a small fee of $14 per class, but their football program is a million dollar bread winner. Oh…wait, their football team actually doesn’t exist and all that money came from a Ponzi scheme…

Regardless, there need to be some serious answers in the next few weeks.  Answers to questions like:

Where will K-State go to eventually die as a program and turn into trade school for hicks and horse farmers? (horse farming…is that a thing? I don’t know, I don’t “EMAW” because I’m not a sexist pig. Now get back in the kitchen)

Will Baker still be a place for people that can’t make it at KU?

Oklahoma and Texas…do they have to be states?

How many homicides can Baylor cover up? Let’s find out!!

And lastly, does anyone know a hospital that will take a bullet out question free? My buddy G Donut is losing a lot of blood…hold in there Donut. Fucking Obama care.

Most importantly though, we need to answer this question: what schools are going to what conferences?

Here’s your answer. And before I go forth…you’re welcome…

Solution 1: So two conferences want Mizzou (we’ll have to pretend because no one REALLY wants that slavery loving joke of an institution that pretends to be a “football school” cough ASU cough. “Yeah but look at your football team!” Really? My “football team”? No. We both know it. No).  So two conferences want Mizzou.  Instead of offering a contract or having Mizzou make some hasty decision (like not being a free state) the two conferences will have to “compete” to get Mizzou.  On the same day, a date Mizzou won’t know about, the two conference heads will be given 5 window-less black vans each.  They will then go to Mizzou’s campus and have exactly 3 hours to drive around campus and round up as many students as they can grab.  The conference heads will be responsible for filling the vans with “grabbers”.  I suggest using Columbia, Missouri townies.  You may not get all the students back…but no one loses there.  It would be awesome.  The students wouldn’t know what’s going on as their friends are being abducted in black vans by people they don’t know, and the conference heads will be able to tally up their totals and see who gets Mizzou.  It’s fucking perfect!

Solution 2: Now I understand, option 1 may be a BIT too extreme for people.  So let’s break it down, and make it a little more simple.  Two schools want to enter the same conference that only has one spot left.  Let’s say UConn to the ACC along with…eh…Johnson County Community College.  Two schools, but only one spot (for now).  Answer: both schools are forced to host a TI concert that students can attend. However, let’s say the student body of UConn is 40,000 (I could look this up, but I never claimed to be a statistician or a journalist).  Each concert will HAVE to hold 150,000 people.  So if UConn’s student body is 40,000 then that leaves 110,000 people.  The remaining spots will be filled by some of the worst prisoners from the most hardcore prisons around the country.  Johnson County Community College’s student body is around 300.  That means 149,700 prisoners.  So both schools host the concert on their campus.  Half way through, Rush Limbaugh will come out and gets 10 minutes to say WHATEVER he wants.  The ensuing riot will likely level a school.  Whichever school has more property left standing…gets admission to their desired conference.  It’s genius.  Both schools get a stab at it (haha get it!? No, really, think about it) but bigger schools will have a better chance of getting in because there will be less prisoners.  Why don’t I plan shit for a living? I’m too good at this.

Anyway, there aren’t many answers at the moment.  And that’s fine.  Answers complicate things.  Like when I asked that pepper spray wielding cop “You think you’re man enough to use that!?”  He was.

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