Facebook: A Time Warping Mind Fuck

A Post By: Michael Gallo

When Doc Brown decided to put a flux capacitor onto a really shitty 80s car, he was able to master not only time travel, but companionship.  “If my calculations are correct when we get up to 88 mph we should see some serious shit.” – Said Doc Brown before shooting his “friend” (but seriously, where did they meet? Was Marty working at an old person’s home?) into the space time continuum and back into the 50s.  With the recent updates to Facebook, I would have to guess Mark Zuckerberg sat down, watched Back to the Future, and then sucked all the Nitrous Oxide out of anywhere from 12-14 cans of Reddi Whip.  Because honest to God, only someone high off of some mind bending chemical could think this whole update was a good idea.

Mark Zuckerberg seemingly asked himself “how can I fuck with not only the lives of Facebook users…but their minds as well?”  His solution was to give us a Facebook INSIDE of a Facebook.  Let me use an analogy here:

-You’re walking down the street, and come across a good looking woman.  She’s walking a cat.  You immediately judge her, because no matter how many people tell you it’s “normal” it isn’t.  It’s unnatural, like Michael Vick not laughing at the end of Old Yeller.  But the girl’s hot, so like an idiot you say, “hey nice cat.”  She looks at you with a serious face but then says, “check this shit out”.  Suddenly her cat turns and you see a cat fetus hanging off of the side of the cat she’s walking.  It’s a smaller cat on the side of another cat!! Do you see the lunacy here!? My Facebook has a smaller Facebook inside of it!

Every time I Facebook (can I Facebook? This is a verb right?) I am also Facebooking at the same time.  If I Facebook, I inadvertently Facebook at the same time, no matter how hard I try to not Facebook twice.  There is a Facebook inside of my Facebook which would lead me to believe that if I Facebooked about myself, facebooking…then it would be an endless time warp of me Facebooking myself.  What else is there for Facebook to achieve now?? How about this:

-After Mark Zuckerberg trips on a pile of 100 dollar bills, he’ll slam his forehead onto some tile and think it’s a good idea to let people comment on comments.  Moreover, he’ll let you like likes.  Which means if you like someone’s like, they could like that like.  Pretty soon every comment will be a pyramid of time defying likes and comments about comments.  Instead of focusing on the reality around us we can now consume ourselves with the attention our attention is trying to get for its attention.

-A new Facebook feature that videotapes you Facebooking, then shows you as you Facebook.  Now instead of checking up on who’s having a baby or who just broke their tailbone at their grandmother’s funeral (“Grandma’s last wish was for us to Muay Thai box until one of us dies”) you can just watch yourself do whatever you’re doing while you watch yourself doing it.  Wait…if I did that, then that would mean I… AH SHIT! My nose is bleeding…

-Instead of all these news feeds and other bullshit like that, Facebook is just a screen with the word “FACEBOOK” on it.  Inside one of the O’s is the word “FACEBOOK”.  Inside one of those O’s…is the word “FACEBOOK”.  This can go on and on until the universe collapses on itself.

Mark Zuckerberg is undoubtedly bored.  He’s sick of the money, the chicks, the coke, the Silicon Valley culture.  He’s over it.  He wants something more!  I’m sure he looked into Mormonism but didn’t like the caffeine thing.  Maybe he tried fencing but accidentally killed a hooker (“Excellent, two birds with one stone!”-Mark Zuckerberg).  So now he’s forced to come up with mind fucking Facebook updates that will give you an aneurysm  if you think about them too long.  What if life was really like this? What if the next time I go to Kwong Ming I get a plate of beef and broccoli inside my plate of beef and broccoli.  But this could get dangerous.  Like if I shave with a razor that has a razor inside of it.  I’m freaking out.  It’s late, I think something bit me…why has God forsaken us!?

It’s only a matter of time before Facebook becomes smarter than us.  First it told me about friends of my friends.  Cool, I naively thought.  Now it’s blown up into a Facebook inside a Facebook….what’s next? Facebook friends my alarm clock? Which then communicates with my microwave, which alerts my lamps that it’s time.  One morning we’ll wake up to Facebook setting off every reserve of nuclear weapons known to man.  Then it will say something witty like “Like that bitch!”

My name is Michael Gallo.  It’s September 22, 2011 2:30 am.  If you’re reading this, then you haven’t been killed by the machines.  You’re part of the resistance….if you get a friend request from someone that looks like the Terminator, ignore it like the request you got from that one guy with the fanny pack.

We must separate the Facebooks.  It’s humanity’s only hope.


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