Arizona: Safety and Protocols

A Post By: Cody Dicavalcante

Welcome to Arizona. If you aren’t actually in the state of Arizona, then welcome to my blog where I plan to break the place down, give you a chance to feel it run through your fingers like a broken egg that burst itself in hands too stupid to handle such things at hours before 9 am. The state parks itself in between the states of California, New Mexico, Utah, Nevada, Colorado and Mexico itself (Which is a giant ass state of panic right now). This is a place where the circus performers laugh till they cry and the trees have a hard time existing without human agricultural projects. Not all of Arizona is a huge desert but the amount that is, just seems to be a second cosmos, big huh? As I stated before, welcome to Arizona.

Ah, cancer in the air!

First thing you’re going to want to know about this state, it’s filled with cancer, well, at least a high predictability of it. Just about everyone here smokes. When I first came out here in the spring of 2005, I drove with my parents. My parent’s in the car ahead, I behind, trying to keep up the whole trip. There were certain points where driving 100 seemed okay. My stepdad really wanted to get to the house. I mean, we just packed up and moved. It was probably important to get there as fast as possible to see all the people we didn’t know and go everywhere that we’d never been. I was driving my car at the time, a 1999 Ford Explorer. This is all I remember from the 2 day drive: Some town in New Mexico (the name has slipped my mind), the hotel where we stopped (We were there for a while so that was easy to take a mental picture), and the desert. Anyways, my parents decided to enroll me in a school that was right down the street. Eventually, I started going to class, turning in homework and understanding the culture. One thing I observed is the level of nicotine people injected into their lungs. Oftentimes I’d walk into a cloud of dust and think that the wind in the atmosphere has kicked up some desert floor but it’s just bundles of second-hand smoke hanging out on a given weekday.  Smokers are everywhere. At schools, outside malls, at restaurants, on college campuses, walking to a ballgame, in their cars, hell, there could be one in your house right now. I learned to deal with it by smoking myself. Hell, if you can’t beat em’, join em’. I stopped after a few months. I mean, how far is a boy with a pretty ugly history with cancer in his family going to get? Yeah, smoking is a 21st century life-saver in this part of the nation.  If you don’t smoke, go buy a pack before you cross the border. If you’re on a plane, just punch the pilot and turn the plane around, you’re going to be lost.

Hello! No? Oh okay.

Second, waving is illegal. Not like the moving entity that forms as part of the ocean, they know what that is (Although geographically a lot of people probably wouldn’t know what an ocean wave is either, due to the low abundance of bodies of water.) I’m talking about the hand wave though. The common greeting that was passed down from our forefathers. It’s a greeting that states, “I’m here, and so are you. Let’s be friends.” Growing up in Kansas, I was accustomed to seeing people wave all the time, even people who I didn’t know. Some guy would drive by me, looking like someone I had never met and just wave. A simple movement of the hand, maybe even a little jingle involved. There are several different ways of waving. You have the “I’m in need of attention” wave, which if used wrong can get you yelled at, beaten or killed (Don’t try it in jungles that are not in North America and never in a Montana drive-in theatre).  This wave, requires, really no method or form at all, it’s just fun to do. You rise up your arm and just loosely move your hand around, like you’re having a mini-seizure in one part of your body. There’s also the Never-before-noon wave which is basically using two fingers and leaving down the other two. This has been used over time. No one knows the reasoning behind only two fingers, it could have been fashionable in earlier times or maybe it was considered safer to use only two because of how little blood was in all parts of the body before waking up. The one I really enjoy is the Stilt wave, a name I invented, well I made up all of these. This wave is highly contagious and can often show that you were made of stone and other rustic elements. This wave, you pull up your arm, stiffen your hand and just leave it up in the air, like a stilt. They will see, oh yes, they will see. This wave is fast and furious, unlike the movie, it has certain degrees of dialogue that are in some ways more sophisticated. Just this simple hand gesture, can create volumes of information upon someone’s line of sight. Arizona doesn’t like any of these. You wave to someone you don’t know it could cost you your soul, you wave to your neighbor they’ll burn your house, you wave to your guidance counselor they’ll tell you to jump off a cliff, you wave to a teacher and it could cost you a letter grade. You just don’t do it in Arizona.

What died in here? Oh yeah music did

                Third, the radio stations suck. In the morning, you can’t even get a song; you get a person’s voice, someone’s voice that always seems to make you want to tear off your mirror and chuck it at your neighbor’s cat that you’re going to say later on was in your yard but in all honesty, it wasn’t even close. It was perched on that neighbor’s porch drinking its prescribed cat juices. What do cats drink these days? I always thought it was milk. Maybe they upgraded it to something else, something brushing and combing with the ingredients of some unfamiliar kangaroo. I’ve gotten pretty angry before over the radio. I’ve had to actually meditate. I don’t know if it’s actually that bad because I can get pretty annoyed sometimes, especially by things that aren’t living. Why is that? I knock over that fan in the corner of my room and figure pointing my finger and acting like this it was my son were normal things to do. Imagine that? Seeing a woman pregnant with a fan, one of those rectangular box fans, that would probably be lethal. I used to run mail routes pretty frequently and I was in the comfort of my car pretty often. I began to learn about the radio, digesting its frequencies and audio codes. I started opening new pathways in my brain and turning some off. If I take a second to think of what mostly plays on the radio it goes a little something like this, Rihanpeaadelemars. That’s a mix of Rihanna, The Black Eyed, Adele and Bruno Mars. It’s so constant that I feel like the world really has put our fate into those four people. Our musical selection is being reduced to powder. That’s not very refreshing and makes me want to climb to the top of the pyramids in Egypt and never come down. I’ve got a whole jungle of CD’s just chilling out in my glove box as we speak. Well, Arizona ya did it. Ya made me feel like the radio died.. I think it died for most a long time ago because everyone has an IPod and is not afraid to use it. I don’t know, maybe I still have faith in the radio even though most of the time it just makes me want to drink Jack Daniels on the way to school. Yeah, that’s probably true since I’ll hit the off button, thinking I made a point to whoever is making me listen to such music, then I turn it back on 10 seconds later because its too quiet.


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