The Barnyard Lampoon Remembers Steve Jobs

A message from The Barnyard Lampoon

Today October 5th, 2011, the world lost a truly innovative man.  A man with foresight and an intelligence that left his competitors in the dust.  Day in and day out this man made it his personal goal to destroy the competition and to outdo not only those competitors, but himself as well.  That man…was Frank “Tuffy” Steven Tillack.  Tuffy was from Ottawana which…is…in Iowa…I think. I’m not sure. Here’s his obituary:

Steve Jobs also passed away and now Apple, much like the people of Ottawana, have to ask themselves…where do we go from here?  Steve truly was THE innovator of our time.  Some people have even called him the “Thomas Edison” of our time.  Alright FOX news…let’s reel it in a bit.  First off…yeah, the ipod and ipad are really awesome.  If I knew what icloud did, I bet that would be really awesome too.  In fact, let’s just ignore the fact that Apple just disappointed thousands with their sub-par release of the iphone 5.  All of that aside, those products aren’t exactly on the same scale as, let’s say, the light bulb.  We can look at what the ipad has done to society and then look at what the light bulb has done for society and I think we get two very different pictures (one lit by a bulb the other taken on the new iPhone 4S).  Not to mention, Thomas Edison was a jackass.  He stole people’s inventions, put his own name on them, and literally paid people to go to other labs to destroy competitors products.  Do we really want to compare Steve Jobs to that?  I know he had his short comings but I’m fairly certain he never hired mafia hit men to destroy competitor’s products.  He didn’t really have to, the Zune beat the living shit out of itself.

Steve Jobs was the Martin Luther King Jr. of our time.  When he spoke, people said, “yeah, I could probably agree with that”.  Except again…not really too helpful in the civil rights department.  And he didn’t make his consumers walk EVERYWHERE.  However, one could argue the lines outside of Apple stores before a big release are eerily similar to the sit ins Martin Luther King Jr’s followers staged in diners around the country.  But again, we’re a little off…

Steve Jobs was the Shamwow guy of our generation. No.  No biting hookers.

Steve Jobs was the Confucius of our time. Dammit!

Look, Steve Jobs was the Steve Jobs of our time.  We were lucky to have him.  No one could sell like Steve Jobs.  Steve Jobs could walk into a packed auditorium, hold out a handful of dog shit and say, “Apple announces…dog shit!” and thousands of people would cheer and scream and cry (then bitch when dog shit 4S comes out).  Then he would make a phone call on it and get filthy rich.  That’s the type of guy he was, am I wrong? As they say in Tommy Boy, “he could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a lady in white gloves.”  We may not see another salesman like him.  Especially because Billy Mays is also dead. WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD ONES GONE!?

I’m sitting here writing this as I listen to my ipod touch.  I used to have a normal ipod. I won it at Prom my junior year.  Steve Jobs had the insight to say, “let’s make an ipod…that people can touch. With their fingers. And hopefully only their fingers.” He made products that, while they weren’t equal to the light bulb, were truly incredible.  He told the world, “I made an ipod more unwieldy, but kept everything else the same, but you’re going to buy it! Here’s the ipad!” And people did.  They bought it.  Like fucking hot cakes.

Steve Jobs had a business philosophy that may never be equaled.  Sure, when he would present products he dressed like that uncle everyone has that was a beatnik in the 60s but after you meet him, you’re like, “I think he’s gay”.  But that didn’t detract from the person he was.  I never met Steve Jobs, and maybe it is a little weird that people are so upset about him even though they never met him, but to each their own.  Just appreciate every day you have with people, even if they don’t make incredibly innovative electronic products.  I used to despise my own family because they haven’t invented a new tablet, but I can get past that now.

But in all seriousness, cancer is awful.  Hopefully some good comes from this when the Jobs family donates thousands to cancer research.  We here at The Barnyard Lampoon extend our deepest condolences to his family and the people of Apple.  Rest in Peace Steve…but more importantly…

Rest in peace Tuffy


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