A Post By: Michael Gallo
Last night I witnessed one of the most frustrating things I have ever seen in my life. This from the man who one time stood behind a 98 year old woman as she bought 15 boxes of salt water douches with 15 coupons (total purchase time: 25 minutes). “Why didn’t you just go to another aisle?” You’re surely asking me right now. Because it was the only one open! You don’t think I thought about that!? It was frustrating. But NOT as frustrating as watching the god damn Yankees leave the bases loaded TWICE! What did I fuck up in life that I deserve this? Tell me, so I can repent for it! But alas, there is nothing I can do about it now. The season is over. Nothing I can do will bring it back. So I must move forward. “But how do I move forward?” – Tim Cook. Good question Tim. Here’s how I’m going to do it:
1. Take Up Human Smuggling – I love America. People want to get into America. Some people can’t, legally, get into America. That’s where I come in. Now that baseball season (for me) is over, I’m going to have Xzibit trick out a large 15 passenger van so I can start smuggling people across the border. “Yo dawg, I heard you like human smuggling. So we put a fake trunk in your van so you can smuggle people while you’re smuggling people across the border!” – Xzibit
2. Become a Greaser – Now that I have nothing better to do, I plan on greasing my hair into a pompadour and not caring about anything. I’ll only wear motorcycle boots, blue jeans, and white t-shirts with cigarettes rolled into the sleeves. Then I’ll meet a nice girl who loves her family and Jesus. She’ll ask, “are you the leader of the pack?” I’ll answer, “depends on what you call leading I guess.” Then I’ll rev my Harley and ride off into the sunset. One day, after she finds out her family has to move, we’ll have a good-natured argument outside of a candy shop where she’ll beg me not to go to Dead Man’s Curve. But I will, and I’ll tragically die there racing a ’33 hot rod. And it will be the Yankees fault.
3. Become A Crazed Hockey Fanatic/Global Terrorist – People often ask me what other sports teams I like. None, you idiot. Quit asking me. I put so much into the Yankees that I have zero passion left for other sports. Some call that “ignorance”. I call it ignorance too, just so we’re on the same page. But maybe now that the Yankees season ended so abruptly and so quickly, I should take up fandom in some other sport. Maybe hockey is fun to watch. But I often take things too far. I tend to have an addictive personality. So instead of just “cheering” like some sane person, I’m going to get the Toronto Maple Leaf’s symbol tattooed on my chest. Then I’m going to move to Toronto where I’ll make daring attempts to blow up the opposing team’s bus. After each game I’ll physically assault every person I see wearing the other teams clothing. Lastly, outside of the arena, I’ll start street riots that end with the Canadian Military being called in (all 100 soldiers). All of this will make the news and eventually I’ll be labeled a global terrorist by the United States government and I will no longer be welcome in the States. This will send me further into a tail spinning depression and will ultimately end with my tragic death when I rob a Toronto bank with nothing but a hockey stick. Mounties will respond to the robbery and shoot me when they realize I’m a crazed man with nothing to live for. The world will recognize my efforts and realize I was fighting “The Man”. I’ll be a hero and will have uncovered the awful police brutality currently occurring in Canada.
4. Find Some Legal Way to Guarantee That Detroit Collapses In On Itself – I’m no geology expert, but there has to be some way for this trash dump of a city to collapse in on itself. Look at this way: Detroit disappears off the map and what do we lose…nothing. A car factory? Fine, we’ll open a new one. 100 people? They were from Detroit. News Flash: they’re not REAL people. Now I just have to figure out how to centralize some seismic shift and isolate it around Detroit. Should be easy, two week project. Maximum.
5. Realize There Is Always Next Year – This one won’t be as easy as the other’s but it’s possible. I can realize that Brian Cashman doesn’t tolerate seasons like this and will go and make some big acquisitions in the off season. I can realize that all of New York is starting to recognize A-Rod for what he is: A washed up no body who only get’s hurt and chokes in clutch situations. We will recover. The New York Yankees will be back.
At the end of the day, I can still take solace in this fact: The Boston Red Sox didn’t even make the playoffs. Maybe this fact alone will help me maintain my sanity. Sports are a funny thing. But life isn’t. Life right now is just sad…stupid Yankees.