A Post By: Michael Gallo
This just in! Breaking news! God has given the Denver Broncos permission to start His second son, Tim Tebow. Apparently Tebow found enough time in his busy schedule of evangelizing and reminding people he was almost aborted to actually play football. In fact, he played well enough that the Broncos are willing to just throw a game away and let him start. Thank God. Literally. This was up to Him. There’s only one thing I love more than watching people silence the haters and succeed, and that’s watching an annoying person fail. Here’s a few things that could potentially go wrong in Tebow’s start:
-The equipment team could lose his Jesus sandals. Jesus didn’t wear Under Armour cleats and neither does Tebow.
-He could get to the stadium late because he pulled over to tell a random person why they are going to hell.
-He could forget about the game and go down to Mexico to build houses (single handedly) for throngs of poor people. Then he could throw his knapsack over his shoulder and say, “You’re welcome for your new neighborhood! Sorry it took me two days!”
-He could watch pregame video of his throwing mechanics and realize he has no business being in the NFL
-Teammates could become angry with him when he turns the water cooler into wine. Have you ever tried rehydrating with wine? It sucks. Just ask Gatorade, who came out with an entire line of wine based sports drinks in the late 80s. “Are you G?” isn’t half as stupid as “Are you Merlot?”
Remember when Tebow was playing against Kentucky and he got hit so hard in the head he thought he was Jewish? Tebow was all like, “Hm, what’s happening on this side of the field.” Then a Kentucky player saw more exposed back than Paris Hilton wearing a sports bra. The hit was mediocre at best, but Tebow’s head hitting the other Kentuck player’s knee sent him back to the Old Testament. Yeah, can that happen again? Who knows, Miami, Florida has more thugs per capita than any other part of the world. Except maybe Oakland, Harlem, The Bronx, other parts of Dade County, parts of Tampa, and the entire south side of Chicago.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Mike, aren’t you Christian?” Yes, I am. Catholic as a matter of fact, but just because I’m religious doesn’t mean I don’t find Tebow annoying. He’s hella annoying. I am all for religion, and for people being religious, but you walk a fine line before you start shoving it down people’s throats. And Tebow does just that.
I also already know what’s going to happen. Tebow has a competitive spirit that makes your “trying hard” look like “not giving a shit”. He may come out and dominate. He may run out of the tunnel and the clouds will part. He could throw for 500 yards and 8 touchdowns. He could rush for running back numbers. No one knows, he’s an enigma. Or maybe someone does know…maybe this start will fulfill the prophecy.