The Castle Clap and the Magical Cinnamon Beard

By: Cody DiCavalcante

 

I don’t really know what to write about so I’ll just start writing anything that comes up. Christmas is around the corner. You like Christmas? So do I. It’s the only time of the year you can get something you want or something you really hate.  I’m incredibly obsessed with reindeer. I used to play poker with them all the time off the coast of Algeria, with the done-up Pilgrim girls of the European Slum Hounds. I’m not a walking imitation of anyone. I do my own thing, straight off the gutter and as explosive as bunny love. I got home last night and found my bed being used as a base for free loaders. I open the door, pop it into third and see a tattoo artist drawing in the picture of a unicorn being expedited to Rome while a psychotherapist sits on the opposite side doing a dissertation on this man’s “problems”. I use toothpaste that screams cavity protection and use a backpack with crusted barbeque sauce on the side. I’m not here to tolerate everyone but I’m doing my best to shave the backside of beaver name Kleevland.

A mermaid isn’t your worst enemy. You know what is? Flying coach. Next time you’re in the back of an airplane and you want top of the line service, think again pal. I’ve been to a few casinos and they’re all the same. A bunch of people looking to score the big one when all they leave with is the King Crab legs at the buffet. The world is filled with candy but all we seem to find is left-over cheese wheels and Stetson cologne. You ever tried bending over backwards for someone? It messes with your back, your head and your neck lining. I’ve thought about becoming a pirate’s worst nightmare but stopped at IHOP instead and got the big breakfast, filling my cup with coffee my stomach can’t handle. Sometimes, the only way to give a good performance is by sticking your head in a huge alligator mouth. I’m talking the cream of the crop. Sometimes I really want to go to expensive get togethers, thrown in the Hampton’s or some top-floor suite in a building in Manhattan then just toss up the waiter’s serving plate and say “I ordered pizza rolls idiot!” I also want to see a clown slap a cream pie in my friend’s face. I’d pay heavily enough so that he wouldn’t have to do another gig for at least a couple days. The other night I was going to convince my roommates that I could walk across water then I stopped because I knew I couldn’t walk across water. I proceeded to dip my shoe in the water saying that it was very cold. You ever just stopped and thought about life when you were at your peak heart rate on an intense run? I have and I regret to inform you that nine times out of ten you’re going to want those sausage links down the hall. I never have invited a “Vinny” over to my house. Maybe the time can start now.

Nothing is more appealing than a steak, except I don’t like steak, my friends do. You can keep the words of your mouth sheltered if you just breathe in and out. That’s funny. You don’t give yourself a moment to breathe ten times or so, deeply, you will start to feel like your words are 100 bees with lava hot stings flying around in your mouth. I’ve never worn flip-flops a day in my life. They look like they are filled with scorn. I want even wear them in dirty lake water. I’ll just wear my shoes and hope that the smell with disintegrate with the power we hold so strong with washers. I believe in washers. Do you? I buy a lot of bottled water. I drink from it thinking that it will save me. I just think that tap water is ugly and can’t sit at my lunch table. I do drink it a lot more now and feel beautiful on the inside. I’ve never pressed my luck but I’ve pressed the remote. I don’t think TV dulls the mind, the people who came to that conclusion do. People think they know the right way to live. I just brush my teeth, wash my body and smile as often as possible. Everything else is bullshit. I used to like to throw things, now I like to hurl things. I don’t really feel animalistic characteristics with anything I do but I sometimes think a lion is more my friend than a mammal named Sean. We need to stop worrying so much about wearing seat belts and focus more on the road. I just noticed that there are several different ways to say hello. Why? I’m the kind of guy who likes to know the high temperature in Antarctica during summer equinox. I think that murder is as confusing as changing lanes in the ocean and saxophones as politically humorous as social cliques. I have two ears but sometimes don’t use either of them. I need a truck for my business but my business is lacking. I need to listen to the radio but not that song. I’ve got a feeling Santa Claus is a major league baseball player named Casey Kotchman. I think someday my car will have the ability to give me cancer or taking a hard left on 8th street because let’s face it cancer is in everything. I’m not here to Charles Schwab or Massachusetts Institute of Technology my way out of anything. I’m just a man with a plan and a senator that’s a part-time minister. Adios.

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