Franzia: A Great Way To Lose Children

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Today, Deborah Bradly came forward and released breaking news that absolutely everyone already knew.  She was drunk the night her baby disappeared.  What!? You mean to tell me you’re not a naturally shitty mother, but were intoxicated to the point that your baby was able to disappear into thin air? Well, looks like I’m gonna have to rethink my theory on this whole case.  Every tangible lead I had started with her being sober…so that’s out.  Not only did mom get a little pickled when she was supposed to be watching a sick 10 month old baby, but she also chose to (I repeat: CHOSE to) get drunk off of boxed wine.  Now if I had to guess, I’d say she was drinking Franzia.  Franzia owns about 98% of the boxed wine market.

Before anyone had time to process this startling discovery, people were already calling into radio stations and commenting on websites claiming, “just because you get drunk around your kids, doesn’t make you a bad parent!”  Really?  Because I think it does.  A 13 year old kid?  That little punk is going to be an enormous pain in the ass.  Go ahead and get schlitzed.  But a 10 month old baby? Nope, you’re just a shitty parent.  And now, on top of that, you’re a drunk, shitty parent.  What happens when you’re down stairs slapping the bag with your loved one and your child comes down:

Kid:  Mommy, daddy, I fell of the bed and now my wrist is big and it hurts.

Dad:  Not now honey, mommy just threw up pink out of her nose.

I have to agree with Deborah Bradley.  Just because you were drinking when you should have been paying attention to  a sick defenseless kid doesn’t mean you have anything to do with the disappearance.  Come on people, how could we have been so ignorant?  Franzia comes with a warning on the back:

Caution:  Consuming Franzia in excess can result in serious harm, death, or the disappearance of children you’re supposed to be watching.

It’s right on the box folks, how can you argue with that?  Alcohol makes people do stupid shit.  I got a little more oiled up off some spiced rum than I would have liked and I ended up putting a slice of bologna in my lap top’s CD drive.  There, it’s out.  I’ve been hiding that for a long time.  But it’s true.  I thought it would have songs on it.  Do you see my point?  Blackbeard Spiced Rum…dumb shit.  A BOX of wine.  RILL dumb shit.  In fact, if 60 year old grandparents were to drink some Franzia…BOOM their kids would disappear.  Doesn’t matter if they’re in their 40s.  Franzia is some powerful shit.  Don’t believe me?

Remember that friend that everyone has in college that thinks consistently doing stupid shit makes that shit logical?  Some out there may say I’m that friend.  But I had one.  He was the type of guy that would bypass beer, whiskey, vodka, gin, or even bottled to wine and go straight for boxed wine.  Friday night he would show up with a box of wine and by Saturday morning he’d be blacked out in a street gutter with an ass tattoo, wearing a hobo’s shirt.  This was the type of guy that suggested things like the Tour De Franzia, or the less popular game “The Fronz”, a complicated wine drinking game based on the hit show Happy Days.  Franzia nights ALWAYS end with vomit, head aches, or missing children.  It’s just a fact.

Franzia is for those nights when you’ve put the kids to bed in a room by themselves in a crib near an open window, and you just want to unwind.  You find your wife downstairs and she says:

Wife:  What do you say we open a bottle of wine and listen to some smooth jazz, you know, see where the night takes us?

Husband:  What do you say we crack the box of wine open and listen to some Skynyrd and see which one of us goes to prison first?

Most people out there think this is bad advertising for Franzia.  But you’re wrong.  Dead wrong.  Franzia is smarter than you and me.  It’s resilient.  This isn’t bad advertising for Franzia, it’s perfect advertising.  For them, this is better than advertising during the Superbowl.  Missing children is LIKE the Superbowl to a lot of people in Missouri.

This is some of the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard.  And this from the guy who listened to his sister’s ex boyfriend go on for quite some time about a line of blimps that would act as cruise ships…but airborne.  Who gives a shit what she was drinking!?  It’s boxed wine!  If it were Canadian Club whiskey, the same thing probably would have happened.  Wake up, this isn’t about Franzia.  The kid is still missing.

Find the fucking baby.

Don’t worry about what Deborah Bradley drank that night.  If she really is involved in the child’s disappearance, I promise you her apology won’t be, “I’m sorry, so sorry.  I shouldn’t have opened that box of wine.  Everything was so fine until the box got involved!”

But on that note, next time your drinking wine that looks like it’s ready to be packed away in a storage unit, think twice.  Think about your image.  And if you have children, tied them to something sturdy in the house.  Or better yet, get a bottle.  Then NOTHING bad can happen!

I’m gonna go down a bottle of Yellow Tail then drive backwards to Wal-Mart.

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