A 5th Grader Writes to The Barnyard Lampoon

Mellisa Pallbaum, 5th Grader, Wallace Elementary School

October 17th, 2011

Dear Barnyard Lampoon,

I’m such a big fan of your website.  I think it’s so funny.  One time I showed it to my dad.  He works at a Wendy’s.  He didn’t think your website was funny.  In fact, he said the world would be better if all of you died in a car wreck.  And he said something about how he hoped the car caught fire first.  I was so surprised.  Dad doesn’t usually get angry.  Unless Mom comes home from Bingo smelling weird.  Mom is funny, she smells lines of sugar off of our kitchen counter sometimes.

Do you like zebras? I like zebras.  In school we’re learning about zebras and other animals that live in Africa.  Our teacher says Africa is a hell hole and it will only be better if it all falls into the ocean.  She can be mean sometimes.  Sometimes, when we get back from lunch she talks about all the bakardee she had for lunch.  No one knows what type of food that is.  

I read your article about the wedding. It sounds like a lot of fun.  One day I’m going to marry a prince.  That way I won’t get mad at him all the time and call him a meth head.  That’s what mom calls dad.  He goes to a store called the peppermint rino, but never comes home with food.  Mom says he spends a lot of money there. Where is the food? 

Do you think one day I could write for a website to? I’d write about funny things like dad blowing up our bathroom.  He used to cook in there.  One time mom said dad would drink his own pee if it would make him high.  

Lots of funny things happen to my family! One time my dad came home from work late and couldn’t walk.  He was tripping over things and talking funny.  He tried eating out of our trashcan and got into a fight with a raccoon on our deck.  He’s so funny.  Mom says he should have stayed in school.

barnyard lampoon should I stay in school?

Our Response:

October 18, 2011

Mellisa,

Uh…yeah.

The Barnyard Lampoon

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