Things I Ask Myself Whilst On The Toilet

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Sometimes, after eating specific foods, I find myself on the toilet going through a particularly hard time.  In fact, there have been times I literally thought I was going to die.  In these moments of panic, with my life flashing before my eyes I often ask myself these questions:

Will modern medicine be able to help me?

This is the question I ask myself the most.  I often sit on the toilet wondering if an emergency surgical procedure is in my immediate future.  Going along with that…

-How much pain can one man take before passing out?

Come to find out, a lot.  Last time I passed out from pain alone I was getting a surprise spinal tap.  GOOD MORNING!  But one time I ate at Kwong Mings (Long Island’s finest cat and dog Chinese food) two nights in a row and it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had.  I felt like a walking science experiment.  I was in so much pain that night I was worried I was going to pass out and my family would find me Elvis Presley style, unconscious on the toilet.

-If it feels like I’m expelling fire, does that make me a reverse dragon?

I once ate half a jar of extremely hot peppers with a previous roommate and we were at one point seriously considering taking each other to the hospital.

Will this toilet ever be the same?

Sometimes I feel bad about all the bathrooms I’ve ruined.  But then I look at my tally mark tattoos and remember what I’m fighting for.

Did the person in the next stall hear me try to blast off?

I ask this to myself a lot in airport bathrooms.  Sometimes people get right up against your stall, Larry Craig style.

Will my friends/family still love and accept me after they discover what I did to their bathroom?

Listen, it’s not my fault you made tacos.  If we both knew the consequences, I’m sure we would have thought about some new options.  But in the mean time, lets just call a reliable plumber, carpenter, and crime scene investigator and work on getting your bathroom back in working order.

Why are my legs numb/will I ever be able to walk again?

Do you ever sit on the toilet too long and you can’t feel your feet? What? Oh. Yeah, me neither.

-Is someone I trust putting laxatives in my food?

While this may sound ridiculous, it’s the only theory left.  I’ve been tested for radiation exposure.  What else could it be?  What else could explain this!?  This has to be it.  It’s sad, you can’t trust anyone these days.

Sorry if this post was too much for you “high brow” people out there.  But I just ate an entire loaf of bread and a pound of Skittles, so I’m gonna go set up a sleeping bag in the bathroom.

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