Herman Cain: Like Abe Lincoln But Better

A Post By:  Michael Gallo

Today, an American hero was born.  This man makes Patton look like a private who would piss his pants in a firefight.  He makes Rockefeller look like someone who got a business degree from K-State.  He makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Austrian immigrant.  Who is this man, you ask? Who is this champion of the people? who’s ready to grab America by the ears and say, “wake up assholes, you don’t KNOW patriotism!”

This man…is Herman Cain. American hero, icon, and geography expert.

Just recently, Herman Cain put himself on the map (an object he apparently tries to look at as little as possible) by releasing one of the most incredible campaign commercials of all time.  The commercial can be viewed here:


Apparently, Herman Cain got some of the most top notch commercial people around and said, “give me fucking gold.” And dammit, did they deliver!  The commercial opens up with a dead thud as it shows Mark Block…maybe I’m not the most politically savvy person, but I speak for the average American when I say, “WHO?!”  The suburban-dad prototype goes on to say that he’s Herman Cain’s Chief of Staff.  If he were an honest man, he’d go on to say how excited he is to be unemployed by this time next year.

Mark Block:  Hi, I’m Mark Block.  I let Herman Cain make up the name of a Middle Eastern country based entirely on jibberish.  While this is a volatile, fragile area that is run on respect and an underlying animosity towards America, I let “Herm” run free like a wild horse…that doesn’t want to get elected.

I know what you’re saying, “Herman Cain…isn’t he the dad on the Cosby’s?” No, you dipshit, that’s Bill Cosby!

Herman Cain is a GOP candidate in a race based on who’s less of a moron.  He’s also made quite a name for himself with his 9-9-9 plan.  A plan that, let’s be honest, makes him sound a bit like Rain Man.

When grilled on the 9-9-9 plan, Herman Cain is able to take his head out of his ass just long enough to barely scratch the surface of an over simplified plan.  He then goes on to give concrete answers like: “I don’t know!”

So after the debates, and his now infamous beki-beki-beki-stan-stan (my family vacations there) episode, Herman decided the best way to save face would be to release a face melting commercial that won over the American public and turned him into a modern day George Washington.  So he put Mark Block in it…who spews a bunch of bs, like this gem:

Mark Block:  Herman Cain wants to put the “united” back in United States of America.

Really? Herm is on that task?  Thank God…whenever I read history books I always find myself saying, “you know what, Abe just did a half ass job of keeping this country together.”  For as long as I can remember, I’ve longed for a special candidate to come along and promise to do a better job than one of our country’s greatest presidents.

I can’t wait to visit the Herman Cain Memorial in DC next year.  “Preserver of this fine union” – Lincoln Cain

The commercial then shows Mark Block lighting up a cigarette. Reread that sentence a few times.  You done?  Does it make sense to you? Yeah, me neither.  Block takes multiple drags off a cigarette and exhales in slow motion.  Seriously?  Lil Wayne called, he wants his music video shot back.  Next time Herman Cain makes an ad, he should realize he isn’t Rick Ross, or some other ATL based rapper.  Now, if Herman Cain were to make an ad with him and Mark Block in a strip club called Slippery Bunz dancing to Ice Cream Paint Job and spraying champagne on women…I may just vote for him.

But right now, this is all he’s got.  Not only does it seem out of place, but smoking is also generally looked down upon in this society.

Ad Exec:  Herm, the key here is to alienate yourself from the American public and support something that will eventually lead to lung cancer and an inevitable, slow, painful death.

Something just as effective?  After Mark Block plugs Herman Cain the camera zooms out to reveal Mark Block holding a 40.  He chugs the last of his Colt 45 and then pisses on a front yard.  In SLOW MOTION!

The slow motion smoking is accompanied by some of the worst 80s sounding music I’ve ever heard.  The song talks about being American but it sounds like a Dutch pop group wrote it.  If someone told me, “Mike, Herman Cain pulled people off the street and had them record that song” I’d say, “yeah, I can see that.”  With the song playing in the background Herman Cain turns to face the camera and smiles in…SLOOOOW MOOOOTION.  Herman Cain’s smile would make a cop weep.  His smile definitively says one thing:

“Hehe…I just looked at porn.” – Herman Cain’s smile, 2011

Herm, buddy, pal.  What are you doing?  You’re not even last in the polls.  You’re not 11th out of 9 candidates.  You’re doing pretty well.  Why are you releasing garbage like this?  Who on your staff thought this was a good idea?  Who just made their career a joke with this video? Who said “this will put Herman Cain over the edge, THIS will put Herman Cain in the Whitehouse.”   It wasn’t anyone intelligent, that I’m sure of.


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