The Barnyard Lampoon would like to welcome Craig Sean, our newest writer. To welcome him, we mailed him a deranged and dangerous inmate from a prison in Upstate New York and interviewed him so you the reader can get to know him.
Craig, you have 15 minutes to do this interview. Answer the third question first, and do the whole thing backwards. Try not use the future tense. By the time you complete the interview you have to have walked 1/8 of a mile. But most of all, have fun. Isn’t that the point?
yes… fuck…. yeah, the point of this is to have fun.
How did you hear about the Barnyard Lampoon?
*Answer omitted as to not insult the Mennonite Community*
What do you hope to achieve by writing for the Barnyard Lampoon?
I would really enjoy the experience of creating something that, Ive been told, could end up in the library of congress.
What’s something you find extremely funny? Why?
When my roommate gets tired he goes into straight toddler mode. He starts running around the apartment laughing at nothing, his voice get much higher, and he rarely says anything that makes much sense. He starts threatening to go to bed but it seems to take an hour or two for it to actually happen. the later he stays up after his first “I’m going to bed” threat, the worse it gets. this might not sound funny but just picture yourself living with a 23 year old that turns into a toddler in every way except actually being 3ft tall (I need to find a way to make that happen) monday- friday. Just think about it, you’ll laugh at some point.
What’s the worst advice someone has ever given you?
“I’m not as drunk as I appear. Will you drive me to my car so I car drive home?” -My old roommate 2010. Yes, this is advice! I don’t need to go into much detail other than the fact that I thought he was being truthful about not being as drunk as he appeared despite the fact that he had an empty bottle of rum that I could have sworn was full at the start of the night, and he smelled pretty badly of booze. I figured, he couldn’t have finished that entire bottle in one night…he probably spilled it on himself. Now that I know the facts of that night (he was drunk, he did not spill ANY of it, and that he drank ALL of it) I realize that I shouldn’t have driven him to his car and he very easily could have made our neighbors apartment into a garage that night… F it, hindsight is 20/20 (did you notice that bonus? I gave you some details when I said I wouldn’t)
Tell me about a time you got extremely violent
When I’m tired I tend to get grumpy. I require a fair amount of sleep… I have to maintain this temple that is my body! I usually wake up around noon, so when I have to get up early around 10 or 11 AM I tend to get mad at almost anything. Keeping that in mind, when I book flights I’m a sucker for the price, not the time. This means that I always have flights around the time the sun rises. I have to wake up at ridiculous hours. The last trip I was on, my flight was at 6:10 IN THE AM! I left my house at 4:30 IN THE AM! most people just say sleep on the plane, but I can’t do that, I don’t know why, it just doesn’t work. So here I am going through security lines (possibly the worst place for grumpy people with no patience), watching people try to take off their shoes and belts as fast as possible. If this was at any other time of day I would think it’s funny but it wasn’t any other time of day, it was before the sun was up! This shit was not funny, this was STUPID. The people looked stupid and it made me mad. I guess I’m telling the story like I was about to do something, but I didn’t do anything. I was just mad and you could see it on my face. Then I sat down at my gate. I watched people rush to their planes because they were late. I thought to myself why the F didn’t they just get here on time (now that I look back , their connecting flight could have been late but I wasn’t about to give anyone a break). I was mad at these people. I boarded the flight then watched all these people trying to fit their luggage in the overhead bins and anyone who is anyone could realize the bags were larger than the bins, or as my good friend Jad would say “its geometry!” this made me really mad. During the flight nothing really made me mad, its pretty peaceful up there. We landed and I walked out of the airport, and got on a bus that takes you to your parking lot. 15 minutes later, I realized this was the wrong bus and I had no idea where I was. Now I was mad at myself. I was thinking “THIS WOULDN’T HAPPEN IF I WOULD HAVE GONE TO SLEEP EARLIER!” my brain was thinking in full caps at this point. the bus driver drove me back to the airport where I boarded the correct bus. I got to my car and noticed it looked a little lopsided. This day wouldn’t be complete without a flat tire, right? yes, sure enough my tire was flat. Luckily, I had a bike pump in my truck. Its not commonly known but there’s a good amount of anger that can be taken out on a bike pump, especially when you’re pumping up a car tire. My tire was about full when I passed the point of being grumpy and ventured in to the point of being slap happy. I couldn’t stop laughing at the picture of tired me in this massive parking lot by my self taking all my anger out on this bike pump while trying to pump up a car tire. I hope that someone saw me doing that. So, in summary, I got really violent with a bike pump once.
How extensive is your criminal record? If you don’t have one, how do you anticipate changing that?
I don’t get caught. my record is a bunch of warnings…not sure if they record that stuff. I’m an eagle scout. I am always prepared, SIR. (this isn’t having an ego…it’s fact)
Do you hate or love where you’re from?
This is an interesting question. If I could pick up everyone from my home town and move them to a cooler location I would love it. The people are friendly and care about others. They say hello and hold the door for the person behind them. The physical land sucks. There isn’t much to do. the city is kind of a dump. There are nice places but as a whole its not great. The winter is the worst. It just gets cloudy and cold. Sometimes we would get a fair amount of snow but for the most part it was just brutally cold. ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you I HATE the cold. After college I moved south. Now I don’t have much of a winter, I have a bunch of cities within a couple hours and even the ocean. So I love the people where I’m from but not a big fan of the place.
Is there a time you failed your parents?
Are they going to read this? F it… I was a little kid that would venture from friends house to friends house on my bike. My mom would always tell me “call me when you get to your friends house” I never did. She would get mad but for some reason I forgot EVERY time. I was almost never grounded but one time my mom had enough. I was told I couldn’t play video games for a week. This was strange to me because I never really played video games, but this was around the time the James Bond “Night Fire” game was released, so I guess I played a fair amount. Well I wasn’t supposed to but I played video games that week, even thought I was grounded. There, its out. I’ll probably be grounded again but its all for the greater good of the ‘zine
What’s your history with substance abuse?
This is a very broad question. I guess I abuse fruits and vegetables pretty badly. It started as trying to be healthy after being brain washed by a bunch of documentaries on Netflix about how I’m going to get terrible diseases unless I change my life. It has since changed into something completely different. I’ll just say its makes bathroom visits more eventful.
If you could bring any historical figure back from the dead who would it be?
I’m not big into history, but I would say all the fat comedians that died too early (yes, they are historical figures!) I feel like they could have joined in and enjoyed this lampoonery. RUL TALK!
If you could box anyone, who it would it be?
FUCKIN’ MAYWEATHER! That dude is a piece of shit! I would get killed pretty quick, but just thinking there could be a chance is all I need. That guy treats his family like pieces of shit, and no one should ever be allowed to have that big of an ego. I understand he has never lost a boxing match, but I also understand that being a boxer all but guarantees he will not remember his name in 15 years…where is your ego then when you cant even remember who is so great. Sorry, I’m still bitter. #TeamOrtiz
Welcome, Craig Sean. We expect big things from, so say goodbye to your impeccable criminal record.