A Letter to My Neighbor: Silence Your Canine, Or Else

A Letter Sent By: Michael Gallo

My Dearest Neighbor,

You don’t know me.  I don’t know you.  But I know your dogs.  Your dogs bark incessantly from the earliest hours of the morning until right around 7pm, which is when I presume you come home from work.  While this may seem like a fantastic set up for you, it is not working out so well for me.  You see, your dogs never shut up.  It doesn’t stop.  It’s an endless noise that you can never get accustomed to.  It just digs deeper and deeper into your brain.  Your dog’s bark must be what the wailing of the damned sounds like.

Now, you may have noticed earlier in this letter that I went ahead and assumed that you are employed.  I did this for several reasons.

1)    You live next door to me so clearly you are paying rent.  This is a bold conclusion though, because you could also be squatting or may have possibly killed the man who previously rented there and keep his body in the bathtub Silence of The Lambs style.

2)    If you didn’t have a job, that would make you the world’s biggest asshole.  If you were unemployed and your dogs were barking like that, that would mean you are both aware of it and do absolutely nothing to prevent it.  I don’t know you, but I don’t want to think you’re the world’s biggest asshole.  But chances are…you are.

Most people can shut a dog up.  You don’t need to hire some suave Mexican dog whisper that uses an hour time slot each week trying to convince America he’s not gay.  You see neighbor, it’s a fucking dog.  It’s not going to offer a rebuttal, or suggest an alternative to your argument.  If you went outside and calmly said, “hey, shut the fuck up” it would probably listen to you.  Because again, it’s a dog.  We domesticated these animals thousands of years ago.  In that time we’ve taught dogs to rescue helpless avalanche victims from underneath 10 feet of snow.  A Newfoundland can tow in a boat almost twice its weight.  Police canines can smell different drugs, explosives hidden in objects, and bring down running criminals.  But you don’t have the ingenuity to make your dog stop barking.  Who’s dumber, you or the dog?  That’s a good question, I’m glad you asked.  You.

So here’s the thing.  You’re supposedly at work everyday, and don’t know how to silence the dog besides the raw simplicity of the task.  That’s fine; I also struggle with extremely easy things that the rest of the world seems to accomplish on a fairly regular basis.  But while you’re at work, your dog is barking which disturbs me.  Because while you’re gone most of the day, I work normal hours so I’m home to enjoy your dogs sanity destroying bark.  If someone gave me the option of listening to your dog’s bark or dropping myself into a 50 gallon trashcan full of broken glass, I’d say, “what kind of fucking sick game is this!?” Because I don’t like either of those options.

I suggest you figure out a way to make the dog stop barking during this time.  If you are unable to silence the dog during this time frame, then we can handle this one of several ways:

-I could alert PETA that you are engaging in Michael Vick type activities.  I have no problem going into details albeit false details.  In fact…wait a minute…now that I’m thinking about it, I seem to remember you tasering your dog just because it wagged its tail.  What kind of sick fuck are you?  Not only are you down with animal cruelty, but you destroy happiness in all of its forms.

You see how easy that is?  That’s all I have to say to them and your life is over.  PETA would read my letter chalked full of fake details about the animal abuse you partake in, and they would bring the pain.  And I don’t think you’re ready for that pain.  It may be a nuisance to shut your dog up or to take preventative measures but think about the nuisance associated with several angry PETA people protesting outside of your door.  PETA people care about animals more than humans.  That’s fact.  I once saw a PETA member run over a zoo keeper in an SUV.  The PETA member thought the zoo keeper had looked at a zebra the wrong way.  I’ll never forget her cackle as she backed over the body multiple times.  They’re fucking nuts, neighbor.  You don’t want that.

Second option:

-I’ll just get an animal that makes more noise than your dog.  While this originally seemed impossible to me, I just had to get creative.  Either I’ll get an elephant that will eventually force the city to condemn my property, or I’ll just get one of those awesome parrots that can speak human.  Then I’ll train it say slanderous things about you and your husband’s private life.  Oh you think that’s funny?  Not so funny when the entire block finds out you’re thinking about filing for bankruptcy from my parrot.  “Honey, do you know the smith’s are filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy? Yeah, the parrot just said it.”

You like that example?  Yeah, don’t even know if you’re married.  Chapter 11?  I assumed you own a small business.  I’m trying to make this hit home.  I’m trying to let you know that I can tango.  I’ll go down Shit Street.  Question is, are you taking the trolley, or riding the bus?  Think about that.  But after you read my third option:

-I’ll go on a Slovakian black market pet website and order something that eats dogs.  Slovakian people have a different idea of what a “pet” is and for the bargain basement price of $3,000, I’ll be able to give a carnivorous sloth a really nice snack.  We’ll just have to chalk it up as a tragedy when my fence “accidentally” breaks and my sloth “accidentally” gets into your yard and “accidentally” goes after your dog like Paris Hilton after an opportunity for a little fame and a couple hundred bucks.

Option 4:

-I don’t live too far from Panda Garden.  I’m not suggesting anything but look, if a fish walks into a sushi restaurant…we all know what’s going to happen.  So maybe one day while you’re at work I’ll take your dog for a nice walk.  And that night, someone’s child somewhere will question the “pork” in the pork fried rice.

Do you see these options?  What’s easier, trying to get a dog to shut up, or dealing with the authorities when they assume the missing toddler and your dog are both related to the carnivorous sloth that is now running amok?  Just shut the dog up.  It’s not hard.  Do it.  Do it for Johnny.  But really, do it for my sanity.  Because I’m not right in the head.  So you best not push me.

Sincerely,

Your biggest fan,

And neighbor,

And passionate fan of the Olympics,

Michael Gallo

p.s. Seriously, shut the dog up

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