A Post By: Michael Gallo
Earlier this week a Domino’s employee stepped his game up and set fire to a Papa John’s restaurant. He went beyond the normal call of duty and put the team on his back. He is SO passionate about the mid-level pizza restaurant that he works for that he literally set fire to a pizza rival. In gang warfare this would be acceptable, but this guy works for a pizza chain. Not even an original pizza shop, just a Domino’s! How could he have possibly developed the passion necessary to risk years in prison so that he could watch a Papa John’s burn to the ground?
Sean Everett Davidson is the over zealous Domino’s employee who decided Papa John’s was such a threat it needed to be reduced to a pile of ashes. He didn’t act alone. Just like pizza wouldn’t be good with only one piece of pepperoni, arson is best when done with friends. Sean had help in fellow Domino’s employee Bryan David Sullivan. Sean Everett Davidson and Bryan David Sullivan both sound like names that belong in a 1770’s duel. Are these people British royalty? Obviously not, because they work for a Domino’s in Florida, but seriously, what were their parents thinking? Sean and Bryan decided on their fool proof plan that was totally logical and made tons of sense and carried out every pyro’s dream at 3am. What a pansy move. 3 am? Obviously, Papa John’s was closed at this point. If you really care about your pizza restaurant’s business, you’re going to blow up Papa John’s at 7pm on a Friday night when it’s packed with pizza heathens, eating the wrong type of pizza. But alas, Sean and Bryan aren’t real men. They didn’t want blood on their hands, just pizza sauce.
Obviously, the media is having a field day with this story. As one can imagine, the media is taking this as an opportunity to make every pizza oven analogy and metaphor possible. “The rivalry got hotter than a pizza oven!” – one unoriginal newspaper. “These two Domino’s employees turned the Papa John’s restaurant into one big pizza oven” – another unoriginal newspaper. So let me get this straight, a Domino’s employee cares so much about making pizza that he was willing to burn down another restaurant to get more business, but these reporters couldn’t go beyond piss poor excuses for pizza oven jokes?
Sean and Bryan aren’t crazy. They just care about the Domino’s they work at. Is this so wrong? They’re not in the 1%. This is the 99% we’re talking about here folks! But unlike those smelly hippies, these people don’t have time to take off from work. Just enough time to make a detonator out of an 8 inch clock and set a rival pizza shop on fire. They did it out of love. They thought Domino’s would do better if Papa John’s was “out of business”. What a great mentality to have. What if this carried over to Wall St.? When banks are setting each other on fire and the strongest banks are winning out, everyone wins. Except Sean and Bryan missed one major detail. They were already doing better than the Papa John’s. Some quick research that another news source did for me reveals that Domino’s had a higher profit margin than the Papa John’s next door. Sean and Bryan could have saved some jail time if they had just been patient enough to check their quarterly sales.
But fuck research, let’s blow shit up!
Bryan: Fuck…what should we do?
Sean: Blow it up?
Bryan: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Let’s do it.
Psychologists call this the dumb as shit effect. Two idiots working at a Domino’s get to talking, and the next thing you know, a Papa John’s gets burned to the ground. These two people are heroes. How can we memorialize them? Wait, I got it!
It’s Hollywood, let’s make movies!
Move Title: Pizza Pyros
Domino’s employees and local heroes Sean and Bryan have a dream. To bring their Domino’s to prominence. The only thing getting in the way? The evil Papa John’s. You’ll cheer on these heroes as they bring down a pizza giant, and win the day…and your hearts.
Sean Everett Davidson played by Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Bryan David Sullivan played by Bruce Willis:
Look for this movie out in theaters next Christmas. In the meantime, be careful what papa John’s you eat at, and if you see a Domino’s employee walk in while you’re eating at said Papa John’s…I’d get the hell out of there.