“Animals Are Humans Too!” : And Why PETA Is Racist

Hide the children, those wacky PETA people are at it again!


When I woke up this morning in a deep funk, I found myself saying, “Why has it been so long since PETA bitched about something completely illogical?”  So needless to say, I was elated to hear that PETA thinks Seaworld is worse than slavery!

How does PETA compare Seaworld to slavery? Good question, I’m glad you asked.  According to PETA’s lawyers, Orca whales and dolphins performing for Seaworld and being kept in captivity is a violation of the 13th amendment.  For those of you who didn’t pay attention in History class, that’s the amendment that abolished slavery.  That’s right folks. PETA’s lawyers are ACTUALLY suing Seaworld claiming that Orcas and other aquatic animals deserve more rights.  What a ridiculous lawsuit.  What are they going to use a precedent? When Rosa Flipper tried to swim to the front of the bus?

Oh, wait, they’re probably going to fall back on Dog v. Connecticut, when the court ruled in favor of a Yellow Lab who argued that he deserved compensation when working to keep rabbits out of his owners yard.  PETA wants the Orcas and other animals to get constitutional rights, the same as a humans.  PETA truly thinks Seaworld is engaging in modern day slavery with whales.

Oh, that makes perfect sense! You’re exactly right, PETA. Seaworld which currently has around 10 animals in captivity is WAY WORSE than American and internation slavery which eliminated hundreds of thousands of innocent black people.  Why have I been so ignorant!?

Jeff Kerr, the dipshit that chose to represent PETA claims his legal team spent 18 months preparing their case.  Let’s take a quick look at a few things that would have been more worth their time:

Anything:  Literally anything would have been more worthwhile than preparing a case that claims Orcas are slaves to Seaworld.

Jeff Kerr goes on to claim this may be “the first federal court suit seeking constitutional rights for members of an animal species”.  Hey Jeff, wanna know why? I’ll tell you for free.  Because it’s fucking stupid.  I’m all for animal rights.  Like dogs being able to vote for presidential candidates, cats driving after getting a feline license, and camels being able to build a mosque wherever they want.  But constitutional rights? Let’s take it easy.  I don’t want to be “that guy” that plays “that card” but seriously, let’s look at some of the conditions humans live in.  Poverty, famine, disease.  But the area of most significance is definitely the rights of aquatic animals.

One of Jeff Kerr’s “plaintiffs” is a six-ton male named Tilikum.  According to Kerr, Tilikum “grabbed a trainer at the close of a performance and dragged her underwater until she drowned.”  Perfect! Let’s make sure this Orca gets more rights! I’m thinking paid lunches, separate but equal drinking fountains, maybe even a special Orca school.

I literally can’t believe there are people that truly think this makes sense.  What’s next? Rights for Chimpanzees?

Oh…the article goes on to quote Harvard law professor Laurence Tribe who is a big proponent of increasing rights for Chimpanzees.  I’m glad someone is fighting for that cause.  That’s almost as good as law professor David Favre who is also quoted in the article.  He claims the Orcas deserve these rights, but we should be careful not to “open up that box with fully unknown consquences”.  Favre, this isn’t Pandora’s Box.  I think I have a pretty good idea what would happen if we went down this path.  I don’t think we’re going to give Orcas rights only to discover that they band together and form coalitions that arm themselves and fight the human race before they eventually figure out nuclear fusion and cause a nuclear holocaust which leaves Orcas in charge of a small band of human slaves.  Good call, Favre.

Both Favre and Tribe claim that some Americans “might find it bizarre or insulting to equate any treatment of animals to the suffering of human slavery.” Well, you’re exactly right!  At least you nailed something.

However, I must admit.  I’m a bit nervous that PETA, with top notch lawyer Jeff Kerr, may actually win this case! So instead, I suggest that if Orcas want more rights…then they can be represented by an Orca lawyer.  Like When O.J. was charged and Johnnie Cochran stepped up because he’s also…a man.  But for real, they want more rights so they can get their own Orca lawyer.

Jokes on them…until they hire an Orca that went to Orca Harvard.

What could PETA possibly be basing this on? Well, the article claims some of their argument comes from the fact that Orcas can engage in “sophisticated problem-solving and communicative abilities and the formation of complex communities”.  Ohhhh. It all makes sense now.  So if an animal grunts and hangs out with other animals of the same species…they deserve the same constitutional rights as humans.  Totally agree.

According to the article, Seaworld’s tanks “suppress the orcas’ abilities and relationships, and subjects them to stress.”  Yeah? So does my job but I’m not suing the company I work for!

Jeff Kerr:  Very funny, Mr. Gallo, But let’s not forget…Dolphins and Orcas have the cognitive sophistication of 3-to-4-year old human children.

Exactly, and now look at how much influence 3 year old children have on society.  Sure they have rights, but you don’t see lawyers defending 3 years old claiming they should be able to run for Senate.  Not everyone deserves everything.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that we as humans have an obligation to defend those who can’t defend themselves.  But putting a whale into a situation that is better than the lives of some American citizens…doesn’t mean they’re being mistreated.  Moreover, there are so many more important things to focus on then the rights of whales.  People need to get their priorities in order.


2 thoughts on ““Animals Are Humans Too!” : And Why PETA Is Racist

  1. Shamu 100, Seaworld 3, People Eating Tasty Animals zero!
    People Eating Tasty Animals: Stupid Hollyweirdoes for animals since 1980

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