The Not So Happy Valley: New Job Ideas For Joe Paterno

America,

We are in the midst of a scandal.  One dipshit fucked it up for a person who tried pretty damn hard to live a life of integrity.  But not everyone achieves a life of integrity.  In fact, few do.  I thought Herman Cain was a man on the straight and narrow.  When I was in a compromising situation, I would look at my bracelet.  It said “WWHCT”.  What Would Hermain Cain Touch.  But now where am I? Lost.  ONE chick who didn’t like getting groped in pizza restaurants had to go and ruin it for Herman Cain.  That’s all it takes these days.  One person to mess it up for the rest of us.  Don’t believe me?  Look at Occupy Wall Street.  They’re the 99%.  They’re mad at the 1% because they fucked it up. See? ONE person ruins it for everyone.

I’m at a loss.  I’ve been in a fog all day.  Did I grow up watching Joe Paterno coach Penn State? No, but my great grandfather did.  Joe was like the lovable grandfather.  But that’s gone.  My grandfather doesn’t ignore program rocking scandals.  My grandfather alerts the authorities if someone walks too close to his house.  You better believe he’d bring the hammer down.  So what the fuck happened Joe?

Were you on handfuls of Ambien?  Was your doctor Conrad Murray?  How did you miss this?  How did you let one guy ruin your entire career.

Ignore that for now though, Joe.  You’re unemployed.  You need a new job.  Gotta support the wife that probably doesn’t trust you anymore.

Joe Paterno:  Hey honey, so there’s some shit at work. Just don’t turn on the TV for a few weeks.  Oh and you know the thing I just put 46 years of my life into? Yeah, it probably won’t mean anything to anyone anymore.  Oh well.

Joe, splash some water on your face and get the fuck over it.  You need a new job to take your mind off of this shit. I’ve got a few suggestions for you:

LA Police Officer:  This job would be perfect for you.  You could ride around fighting crime but when you see crime, you wouldn’t have to report it.  In fact, you could just totally ignore it even though it’s happening right under your nose.  You’d fit right in with the LA police force and it wouldn’t be anything out of your comfort zone.

Teacher:  With this job you’ll be able to mold the minds of young children.  But when you’re supposed to report their grades, you won’t because again, reporting stuff doesn’t seem to be your strong point.  The principal will come to you and say, “Joe what’s going on?” and you’ll say, “huh? Were we supposed to be doing something?”  Then he’ll laugh because everything works out in the end!

Newspaper Reporter:  Joe can work for a big time newspaper and write tons of nothing, because he can’t report anything.  Every day there will be an empty space where his column should go with his picture next to it.  The editor will say, “Joe, do you not have anything?”  and he’ll say, “Uh…what? Is there something?” Then everyone will laugh!

My last suggestion:

Doctor:  I know he’s a bit old, but this will really work for him.  When he does a diagnosis and discovers cancer in one of his patients, he can go back into the patients room and remain totally silent.  When the patient says, “Is there anything wrong?”  Joe can say, “I don’t think so.  Let’s just wait and see what happens. I’m a pretty good doctor, I’m just gonna ride this to the end.”

Are you seeing the picture I’m painting for you? You should have talked Joe.  YOU didn’t do it, so sack up and speak up.  But now look at yourself you dumbass.  You let one waste of a person ruin a career you’ve been working on for 45+ years.  This is your fault Joe.

Sincerely,

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