The Barnyard Lampoon would like to welcome Joey The Greek, our newest writer. Joey lives in New York, and recently decided to not finish college. To welcome him, we taunted him with a college diploma and paid his neighbor to try and kill Joey’s cat.
Joey, you have 15 minutes to do this interview. For each additional minute you use, another person you care about is put in danger. But remember, just have fun.
Wait, I didn’t decide to not finish college, I couldn’t afford it.
No one cares, Joey. How did you hear about the Barnyard Lampoon?
A good friend of mine got this going and I guess I was just drawn to the poorly written articles and constant grammar mistakes. But it is funny. And I love riffing on the stupid shit that this society is comprised of. And if the previous posts are any precedent, then I don’t even have to edit my work.
Fuck you, Joey. What do you hope to achieve by writing for the Barnyard Lampoon?
I would really like to get an important group so worked up that they try to shut this down. Like a local government or something like that. If we could piss off a group of people so badly that they contact us, that would be huge. Cause that means this is getting some big attention.
What’s something you find extremely funny? Why?
Exercise ball accidents, really bad rap videos, and when cats do stupid shit. My cat fought the vacuum cleaner last week. The cat lost. It’s still alive, but it lost. Bad.
What’s the worst advice someone has ever given you?
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten good advice. When my buddy John told me that I could make a lot of money growing my own marijuana…that was bad advice. I had a guidance counselor that would pump out bad advice like he was getting paid to. And he was! He got paid to mislead tons of high schoolers. I almost didn’t graduate high school because of him. I don’t think he was born with a full deck of cards.
Tell me about a time you got extremely violent
I went to a Catholic high school and there were a lot of fights there. Since it was private you didn’t have as much variety with who went there. So instead you had three big, different groups of kids who all hated each other. There were fights all the time. One time, this kid came up to my friends and me after school and told me what he would do to my girlfriend if he had the chance. So I told him I’d castrate him. He called me something and I lost it. We all had to wear white polos, so I grabbed him by the collar and hit him in the face as many times as I could. Some teachers broke us up. I had blood from his nose all over my khakis. I had to throw those khakis out, I was pissed. Logan if you’re out there, you owe me new khakis you fucking bitch.
How extensive is your criminal record? If you don’t have one, how do you anticipate changing that?
Well, there’s a few misdemeanors, just some MIPs. Anything I did at school, they kept off my record. They liked me there. They liked my whole family.
Do you hate or love where you’re from?
Love it. New York’s the greatest place on earth! Frank Sinatra didn’t sing about New Jersey did he? Well, he may have. But it’s all about New York. The city that never sleeps.
Is there a time you failed your parents?
Yeah, like having to find another, cheaper college. That was pretty much a failure. And growing up I only let them down. Joey, how are your grades? Joey, why are your good khakis covered in blood? Joey, are those your pot plants?
It was never ending. Either I grew up, or they started letting a lot of stuff fly. I think it was both.
What’s your history with substance abuse?
Expansive. Pot, lot’s of alcohol, a couple snorts here. You know, you just wanna see how some stuff smells. It’s not that big a deal.
If you could bring any historical figure back from the dead who would it be?
Easy, Nietzsche. Imagine partying with that dude? He died from syphilis. You KNOW he knows to party.
If you could box anyone, who it would it be?
Well Jerry Sandusky would be enjoyable. Watch the teeth fly. Hm…who else. Mitt Romney?
Why, because he’s Mormon? You’ll burn in hell for your prejudice
What!? No, because of his tax policy.
Welcome, Joey The Greek. We expect big things from, sorry you don’t like Mormons.