A Drunken Groom Writes To The Barnyard Lampoon

Letter Received 11/11/11

Logan Richards, Groom, Little Rock, Arkansas

Dear Barnyard Lampoon,

First, let me say that I am a huge fan of your website.  I think it’s hilarious! I used to read it all the time at work.  But then I got fired.  I don’t think it was because I read your website at work, but I can’t say for sure that wasn’t it.  My boss was a real prick.  He always used to say quit drinking in the bathrooms! Ha can you believe him? What, is this nazi america??  My fiance doesn’t like your website though.  She says Helen Keller would write funnier shit than you guys.  I don’t know what her problem is.  She can be a real…mean lady.  We’re getting married tomorrow. I guess I’m a little more nervous than I thought I was!

Tonight was my bachelor party.  We all met at Rick’s trailer and took shots of Montezuma tequila.  Jimbo got so drunk he took a shot of Lysol with Comet in it! He shit his pants! Twice! I love my friends.  My fiance doesn’t though.  I tell her all the time honey, I know Jimbo exposes himself in public sometimes but it’s because he’s got tons of brain shit going on.  You know when your dealing with stuff but you don’t know how to deal with it so you just don’t think about it, and you end up drinking too much and barfing into the drive thru window at mcdonalds? That’s brain shit.

When I think about marrying rachel tomorrow I get that feeling I got when I pissed my pants in gym class because I took too many of my moms Percocets.  That shit gets you SO FUCKED Up!  But rachel isn’t very nice.  I’m like babe be happy, but she’s all like quit going to gay bars.  Barnyard Lampoon, I don’t go to gay bars because I’m gay. I just don’t like women.  I think it pisses off rachel.  When I met her dad, he was all like I can smell the gay on you lady man.  I didn’t know what to say.  Her dad isn’t a very nice guy.  But I can understand that.  He fought in the Korean war.  Twice.  Once for Amurica and then he went over again when the war was over to do more fighting.  He ended up spending 6 years in a korean jail.  He said it was okay except he had to eat mice when they wouldn’t feed him and they made him fight a tiger.  

What am I supposed to do?? Jimbo is my best man tomorrow.  One time Jimbo hooked up a car battery to his testicles.  Jimbo dropped out of middle school.  Best decision of his life.  He makes so much money at the Kmart.  Rachel is all like Jimbo better not be in our wedding or your not getting any of my lady parts.  Which is fine by me.  But don’t get me wrong, I love lady parts! In fact, for my bachelor party we went to a strip club called Vaginas R Us.  This lady took her clothes off and I threw up. I think it’s because I drank too much. Hopefully it’s because I drank too much.  

I don’t think I’d be having these problems if I had finished high school.  IN fact, I know it.  But I’ll show rachel and her dad.  I can be with a lady.  And I’m going to love it.  Maybe I’m in a public library using free wifi and drinking out of a paper bag right now, but I’m ready to marry a lady.  Fuck.

Barnyard Lampoon, should I come out to my future wife?

Our Response:

Mr. Richards,

Wow. Uh…maybe you should consult a psychiatrist.

The Barnyard Lampoon

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