Harvard Vs. Yale: Death by U Haul

A Post By: Michael Gallo

This afternoon is America’s most prestigious meeting of the minds.

Barnyard Reader:   There’s a GOP debate today?

No, don’t be stupid.  It’s Harvard Vs. Yale meeting for the 128th football game between the two schools.  Harvard and Yale are easily two of most recognizable Ivy League schools in the American education system.  And while a debate between the two of them would most likely be exciting, a football game won’t be.  At half time, it’s 24-7 Harvard.  Harvard hasn’t even committed a penalty yet.  Fuck that.  When I watch college football, I want a team full of people who wouldn’t hesitate to stab someone.  Take Miami, AKA The U.

When I watch a Miami game, I sit on the edge of my seat.  Not because of the game’s action, but because at any moment a player could pull a firearm out from underneath his pads and lay waste to any number of players on the opposing team.  That’s exciting shit! NOT Harvard football.  Have you ever seen their fans?  I took a picture of one today.

Going to a Harvard Yale football game would be like going to a museum.  Everyone there is pretentious, you have to be quiet, and you have to be careful of what you touch.  Unless you’re driving a U-Haul.

The most exciting point of the game was before it even started.  While people were outside tailgating and discussing their Ivy League connections, someone driving a U-Haul came barreling through the parking lot and hit three people.  No one knows why the driver did this, but it’s pretty easy to figure out when you take a look at him.

Police Officer:  Have you been drinking today sir?

U-Haul Driver:  Drinking?…no…no, definitely not drinking.

Sure, he was huffing paint out of a sock and was on another planet, but I have my own theory.  This was no accident.  This driver is obviously a die hard Harvard fan.  And he made a Yale fan die, hard.  Look at the U-Haul in question.

Barnyard Reader:  Mike, you’re being really insensitive.  Someone died.

Oh no, a Yale person died?  Do you know the type of people who go to Yale?  Your “partying hard” is their “doing homework”

The guy was probably going to OD in the bathroom later anyway.

Who’s going to win this incredible American tradition?  Probably Harvard.  And even if they don’t win the game.  They won the tailgate.

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