The Heinous Hiatus

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Early Sunday morning I turned on my computer to check the schedule for NFL games and to track the progress of the human cannon that I ordered.  Ten minutes later, I had discovered that the human cannon was still sitting in a warehouse in Newark, NJ and I had a detailed schedule of which game was coming on when.  I was set.  But then the unthinkable happened.  My computer got extremely hot, made a series of high chirping noises and would no longer charge.  I was staring at a computer on it’s last minutes of life

Barnyard Reader:  Mike, why didn’t you just get a new charger?

Thank you, for that compelling question.  My computer also had a few long time problems.  Mostly my speakers wouldn’t work and my CD drive wouldn’t read anything because of an unfortunate mix up with a slice of bologna.

So the charger idea was out.  Because there is no computer store where I live, it was going to be a full two days before I could get a new one.  That meant two days of no Barnyard Lampoon.  No internet.  No government database hacking.  No more online ostrich race betting.  What the hell was I going to do?

I settled on traveling the world.  It was going to be a two day trip to Thailand.  I needed to go and let off some steam.  And what better place than the city that never sleeps…from all the coke.

Barnyard Reader:  Okay, Mike. I’m starting to get really pissed.  The charger was one thing, but going to Thailand? You’d spend most of those two days just traveling.

Oh yeah? Well, you clearly don’t know about my jet pack.  Get off me.

After blasting off from the parking lot in front of all my neighbors and getting a noise complaint filed against me, I made it to Thailand just a short 8 hours later.  I was exhausted.  So I went out drinking with a few guys I met at an underground boxing match.

The people of Thailand are so nice.  Only 3 people tried to stab me because I was a foreigner.  After one successfully dug a small kitchen knife into my thigh, I decided it was time for my buddies and me to leave.  Unfortunately, we were leaving at the same time all the strip clubs emptied out for the night.  I found myself in a hostile crowd, which quickly turned into a street riot.  While we have OWS over here, the Thailand movement is a little different.

We hit up another bar before moving onto what my friends called “kuckhirigiju” or “deadly lethal motorcycle kill time”.

It was awesome.  Everyone drinks lots of Thai beer and then gets on motorcycles.  I took some pictures from my motorcycle.  This is Adirake and Alak.  They were in the lead until they ran over 6 stray dogs before wrecking.

They were super cocky, so I guess they had it coming.  Look how arrogant they were before the race.

I’ll really miss those guys.  I’m not positive they died, but they did go to a Thai hospital so I’m not too optimistic.

Around 4 in the morning I blasted off from the roof of a Thai casino and flew all the way to Northern Michigan where I was going to have a relaxing day by the water but I was too hung over to fly well and ended up crashing into the Holcomb Family Hunting Camp.  They were…nice, but I was definitely scared.  Their son threatened to shoot a bow through my head, which appears to be a recurring thing with BL staff members.

All in all it was a stressful two days.  But I have since bought a laptop, and I’m back in the game. I also came back to my apartment and found a bill waiting for me.  It was what the apartment complex was charging me to remove the scorch mark I left when I blasted off to Thailand.  It’s good to be back.



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