How To: Make The Perfect Turkey

This Thanksgiving, no one will be taking the time to evaluate what they’re thankful for, or appreciating the short time they have with family.  No, instead they’ll be critiquing the turkey, the most important part of every Thanksgiving celebration.  Nothing else comes close.  Wow, grandma had to hitch hike the last 54 miles to the house? Who gives a shit, how juicy is that turkey?

While the turkey is important, making a good one is extremely difficult.  That’s why we here at the Barnyard Lampoon have mapped out the way to make the perfect turkey.  Enjoy.

1.  My mother always said, “A good turkey starts in March”.  Which basically means, in March you should be picking out the turkey you think looks good and putting it into a cage in your back yard.  For the next several months, run outside and scream into the cage and beat the walls of it with a broom stick.  Wear all black and stand over the cage at night, taunting the turkey with it’s imminent death.

2.  When it hits November, go over to your neighbor’s house and tell him you want show him the awesome new stone patio you just put down.  When he comes over take the tarp off the turkey cage and run into the cage.  Kill the turkey while your neighbor is watching.  Exit the cage and look your neighbor in the eyes until he breaks eye contact.  This will let him know who’s boss.

3.  Take the deceased turkey into the house and put it into the freezer, as is.  Don’t put it in a bag, don’t cut it up first, don’t do any of that.  Put the bloody turkey in the freezer.  This way all sorts of juices will drip out of it and freeze to your shelves.  If you have a husband or wife, they’ll love this.  Again, when you have company over, tell them to get something from the freezer so they come across this grotesque scene.  Nothing says, “Don’t fuck with us” better.

4.  When Thanksgiving comes, take the turkey out of the freezer and immediately dump the turkey into the turkey fryer.  Most people will tell you to let the turkey thaw, but I think that’s a bunch of bs.  What’s the worse that could happen?

Oh. Yeah, about that.  I guess you should let it thaw.

5.  After it’s thawed out, go ahead and dump it into the turkey fryer.  Get a turkey fryer that goes to 11, like in Spinal Tap.  Most fryers go to level 10.  Get one that goes to 11.  If you super heat the oil it’s way more safe and the cook time is drastically reduced.

Don’t have the time to cook a turkey for 6 seconds? Most of us don’t, this is when you break out the flame thrower.

Grip it, rip it, and light that shit up!

Now you have golden, delicious turkey.  Enjoy it as you realize this celebration is just a reminder of the systematic slaughter of thousands of indigenous people.

“Hey bring some maize, we’re having a get together.  We’re gonna give thanks and then plot the slaughter of your people.  You wanna bring napkins or cups?” – Pilgrims.

Happy Turkey Day


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