A Post By: Michael Gallo
Lately, it would seem the day after Thanksgiving is almost as big as Thanksgiving itself. Known as “Black Friday” this day is an opportunity for amped up women to go to huge corporate stores at absolutely obscene hours. In recent years, this shopping habit has also extended to men who want to buy manly things like giant TVs, half price coffee makers, scarves, potpourri, thongs, and pink shower curtains. Black Friday doesn’t typically make the news unless someone gets trampled to death.
Yes, that’s right. On several occasions, workers at stores like Target, Walmart, and Best Buy have been trampled by over eager shoppers and killed. Because the shoppers are SO hyped up on deals, and are forced to wait in big lines like cattle waiting to be slaughtered, they quickly become unruly and succumb to the animal like instinct to kill anything in their path.
So why would anyone subject themselves to this? The BL wanted to know just that, so we went around Kansas City, KS and asked different people why Black Friday is such a big deal.
“Black Friday is a great time to get awesome deals on all the items that will also be on sale closer to Christmas. In this economy, every penny counts, which is why I risk my life to get 34% off a tablet that the person behind me would end my life to get. The crowds are the only negative. They can be ruthless. Last year, I grabbed a Kindle off of a shelf at the same time as this other woman, and she ripped my tonsils out with her bare hands. See?”
“Holy shit, you can’t beat the deals. Stores hold the sales in front of you, teasing, taunting. The stores say, ‘Want a TV for 60% off? Yeeees, you do. You want it so badly, don’t you? Well so does the person next to you. So kill him.’ It’s unbelievable. I’m a normal, sane guy, but the deals get to you. Did I kill someone last year for a matching set of bath and hand towels? Yeah. I did. With my bare hands. But I don’t lose sleep over it. Fuck that, those towels have a thread count you wouldn’t even believe.”
“Man, every Friday is Black Friday for me….Ohhh, come at me! LEGGO!”
“People think because I’m Asian, I don’t participate in Thanksgiving and Black Friday activities. Yeah, maybe I look like a Chinese Harry Potter, but I’m still an American! I still eat Turkey, and look for deals on Black Friday. I wait in line patiently, quietly. Once inside the store I move with stealth. A Walmart employee stands scanning bar codes. I quietly break his neck. His deals are mine now. Shit, did I just tie myself to a murder?”
“I have a hard time analyzing the significance of something so trivial as Black Friday. Social interaction is at a maximum which creates a catastrophic feeling of pain and suffering in my subconscious. I prefer the relative solitude of Cyber Monday, which is to say I rather enjoy the high rates of efficiency associated with online shopping the Monday following Black Friday.”
Those are the opinions of several people in the Kansas City area. Decide for yourself: Do you want to meet your maker for a cheap television?