This past week I was well on my way to falling asleep. I was in the phase right before you are completely asleep but you’re still having dreams. I don’t remember what I was dreaming about, but I heard a distinct knocking the window on my bedroom. I was pretty convinced it was in my dream but I was on alert just in case it was someone trying to break in. A couple second later someone started fumbling around with my window.
A Post By: Craig Sean
My reaction was “fuck this” so I deepened my voice to about the level you would imagine someone that’s 6′ 3 and 250 pound has. I asked the person in my linebacker voice “what the fuck are you doing!?” Not sure why, but I didnt get a response. I heard the person scamper away through the bushes. I never saw this person but I’m pretty convinced someone was trying to break in. However, they were unaware a NFL linebacker lived there. I grabbed a baseball bat out of the living room and stood in front of the window waiting for the person to break through the window. I stood there with perfect form ready to go all Billy Butler on this person and hit them all the way to the wall. as a I stood there in my batting stance I began to wonder “what would it feel like to crush someones skull in with a baseball bat”.
This isn’t some fantasy, it was more “could I live with myself knowing that feeling?” I am not one for violence, you would have to really rub me the wrong way to get into a physical fight with me but I WILL PROTECT THIS HOUSE! HOW MANY DOGS ARE IN THE HOUSE!? NONE BECAUSE THEY AREN”T ALLOWED!
Sorry, my inner Ray Lewis came out there, speaking of killing people and living with it.
Anyways, I reasoned with myself and decided to swing for the knees, then for the ribs. Well, the bat wasn’t necessary because the linebacker voice was enough. The robber or drunk guy or whoever this person was, was gone. I texted my roommate, who was asleep, to inform him of what happened. I didn’t want to wake him up at the time because he really likes his sleep. I figured between the baseball bat and the voice I was good enough to protect that house. Now I have a plan, I have a bat next to my bed and I now have a plan of attack: knees then ribs with the power of billy butler (I don’t want to hit this person out of the park, I just want to get them down for the count).
note: if you’re in the market for an apartment don’t be sold on one because its in a gated community. They’re a joke, if anything it might slow someone down trying to make a getaway, but thats about all they’re good for. I think I’m going to start a book about why my apartment complex sucks. lookout for chapter 3 soon! Ch. 3 just mayl contain a story or 2 about my elderly neighbor who has apparently confused my roommate and I for a limo service or maybe how the story with my apartment complex began and the disaster that was that.