How To: Celebrate Your Friend’s Birthday

Disclaimer:  This article is about how to celebrate your FRIEND’S birthday. Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to celebrate your own birthday this way.  To do so would be to put yourself into terrible, terrible danger.

With a little bit of planning and calling ahead, you can make your friend’s birthday “unforgettable”.

So it’s your friend’s birthday.  Who gives a shit right?  You do!  On this day however many years ago, your friend was pushed out of a womb and brought into this world (albeit unwillingly).

So suck it up and get ready to show your friend the time of his or her life.  Granted they’ll probably never speak to you again, but for that one night, they’ll have the time of their lives.  For the sake of the post, let’s assume your friend is a guy.

1.  Call up your friend and tell him you and some other friends are going to pick him up for lunch around 2 pm.  Tell him something believable, like Denny’s or Hobby Lobby.  When you pick him up at 3 pm (make him sweat a little) make sure it looks like you’re by yourself.

Birthday Boy:  Hey, where are our friends?

2.  Have your other friend jump up from the back seat and put a burlap sack over the birthday boy’s head.  Tie his head to the head rest with a belt.  Tear out of his drive way and take every turn at a minimum of 65 mph.  Tell him something comforting like, “you better make peace with your god, you punk bitch”.  Have your friend in the back seat punch the side of his head a few times.

3.  Find the nearest Japanese community.  Pull into a crowded public park and drag your friend out of the car.  Get a large tree branch from nearby and hand it to your friend.  Take the bag off his head and quickly put a blindfold on him before his eyes adjust to the light.  Using a Japanese to English dictionary, explain to the community that if they don’t kill your friend in 6 minutes, the bomb strapped to his stomach will explode and take out the next 15 blocks.  Next, tell your friend that 35 crazed Japanese people are going to kill him unless he defends himself with the tree branch you handed him.  He’ll love what happens next!  Happy birthday!

4.  Hopefully your friend doesn’t die, but if he does, step 4 is the last step.  If he doesn’t, use the dictionary to calm the Japanese survivors.  Open up the back door and pull out the 15 bananas you put back there earlier.  Offer them to the survivors as a peace offering and place the rest on any unconscious Japanese people.  Take the blindfold off of your friend and apologize.  “Sorry bro, thought it was gonna be funny”.

5.  Now open your trunk and let the crazed, starving chimpanzee loose.  This is where it get’s hilarious! Who ever isn’t strong enough or fast enough will get senselessly mauled.  The other people will scream and run with a raw look of panic on their faces.  You and your other friend will laugh until you cry as you watch the carnage unfold.  Alright, enough of that.  Get the sniper rifle out of the trunk (thank God the monkey didn’t find that!) and end the monkey.

You:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes THAT bitch!

6.  Round up the survivors.  They just made the cut, TWICE!  Invite them to the rest of the birthday celebration

7. Bury the monkey someplace…

8.  Drive to the next location.  Every now and then say, “holy shit, the other monkey got out!” And then listen to your friends scream and cry.

9.  Pull up to the empty field you picked out last week.

Birthday boy:  Why is there a human cannon in that field?

10.  Lucky for him, the birthday boy is done being punished.  Convince, through international bribery, one of the Japanese guys to get into the cannon, you know, to see if it’s broken.  Then blast his ass to Thailand!

Now all three of you can laugh heartily as an Asian enters the stratosphere.

11. Turn to your friend and lie, “Wow, what a crazy day, good thing it’s over!”

12.  Enjoy that sick, perverse sense of joy when the birthday boy looks relieved.

13.  Tear out of the empty field and pull your drug stash out of your glove box.

14.  Consume 3 different sort of drugs and put the bag from earlier on your head.

BL Reader:  How will you be able to see!?

15.  Because you can’t see, you’ll flip the car nine times.  Look out for that roadside picnic!

If you all walk away from the wreck, it will be the greatest birthday of your friend’s life.

He’ll thank you later.

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