The Barnyard Lampoon Remembers Kim Jong Il

Folks…people of America…fellow man…

We lost a great one tonight.  In fact, as I sit here typing, I am constantly wiping the streaming tears away from my eyes. My sadness is so deep.

Tonight, Kim Jong Il passed away.  Or as the people of North Korea are being told, the unicorn god of war and prosperity came and took his soul up to outer space so he can become the ruler of the cosmos.  I hardly know where to start.  Losing Kim Jong Il is like…well, it’s like losing a best friend.  I’ll always remember that cute way he couldn’t pronounce his L’s

I found out when my sister texted me.  She literally prefaced the message with “are you sitting down?”  She knows the odd affinity I have for Kim Jong Il.  Other people were scared of him.  I never was.  I knew the real Kim Jong.  The lovable North Korean man who was just a bit misunderstood.  If you really knew the facts, you wouldn’t be scared either.

Take for instance, one of his biggest passions.  Looney Tunes.  Kim Jong Il loved all sorts of entertainment and reportedly had one of the biggest DVD collections in the world, but he FUCKING loved Looney Tunes.  He couldn’t get enough them.  But why?  What about the Looney Tunes attracted Kim?

The answer?  Well, I don’t want to be THAT guy, but I think Kim Jong Il had a Looney Tunes sized hole in his heart.  And he was just trying to fill it.  Even from a young age, he felt the pressure of having to grow up and become one of the world’s most recognizable dictators.  Look at this picture of him as a young child.

Just look at his eyes.  Granted, you really have to TRY and look into his eyes, but look at em.  Nothing but pain and sadness.  And trust me, it didn’t change when he got older.  In fact, it got worse.  Being a dictator isn’t easy.  Don’t let anyone tell you it is.  You think running North Korea is easy?  Try telling that to Kim.

Oh wait…we can’t.  He’s dead…he’s never…coming back.  Oh God.  I feel like I’m about to vomit.  WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD ONES GONE!?

While the rest of us were caught up with petty bullshit like the American economy and percentages (mostly the 1% and 99%) Kim was focusing on the bigger things in life.  Like REAL joy, happiness, fulfillment.  And Looney Tunes.  Granted, he was a harsh dictator.  An oppressive man who made an entire country believe he was the most important being in the universe…but can you really hate a man who loved Looney Tunes?

I bet Kim Jong Il only talked about Looney Tunes to other world leaders.

And they’d laugh and do that weird hand gesture that says, “Aw Kim… stop it! But seriously, are you gonna nuke us?”

That seems to have been the biggest source of fear.  Nukes.  But let me get philosophical for a second.  What ARE nukes?

Highly destructive devices that flatten entire cities? Oh…well shit.  But still, would you really be scare of a man who talks like this?

The answer, quite simply, is no.

Kim Jong Il was a lovable, easy going man who just wanted people to like him.  Maybe he went about that the wrong way…

But we all get a little heated sometimes.  Human’s are imperfect.  Except for Kim…

The big problem was, people didn’t see the good stuff.  The Kim that hung out with villagers…that visited local farmers….

Scary?  Hardly.  He liked Prada…and girl sunglasses…and pizza.  Holy shit he loved pizza.  He liked it more than a drunk college kid.  In fact, he kidnapped had two Italian chefs brought in JUST to make him pizza.

Maybe people feared him…but I’ll miss him.

I’m getting drunk tonight…for you Kim.

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