Ladies and Gentlemen,
First and foremost I would like to apologize for what ended up being an extremely long, arduous, and financially crippling hiatus from the Barnyard Lampoon. I thought it would be inappropriate to post an article about my new theorem on farting right around the birthday of Jesus. Moreover, with Craig Sean being Jewish and Muslim at the same time, I thought it would be good to avoid a holiday post and let all of us practice our own religious ceremonies in peace (which for Craig Sean involves a lot of fire, and jumping out of moving automobiles).
Then, when most of you were probably expecting a post, I decided to take a long trip down to The Dirty, AKA the deep south, AKA the rebellious states of America. It was here that I both discovered myself and then subsequently lost myself again. Being solely responsible for having jet packs banned in my township, I was forced to take the jet wing. So I loaded it up and shot off towards Atlanta…and accidentally set my neighbors car on fire in the process.
I landed in Hotlanta and met fellow BL writer Cody DiCavalcante at the biannual Man Vs. Beast fighting competition. Before finding out our animal opponents, we get schlitzed on Hot Damn! and Bratwurst flavored Bourbon. Gotta love Hotlanta. At the animal opponent lottery, I drew a bear and Cody got a gaggle of gators. With my vision vibrating I entered the ring against a bear from Alaska named Palin’s Hot Bitch. PHB was FUCKING strong. But in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. I fought with everything I had. Unfortunately, the only person at my event with a camera was a hipster who only takes black and white photos.
Because we were in danger of going over the time limit, they handed knives to both the bear and me. After the bear slashed my left leg open I took care of business. Next up was Cody. He was so drunk he could feel his heartbeat in his lips. He said it was pretty rad.
Cody started the match by taking his shoes off for “schamdded smobilkity” which sober would mean “added mobility”. Cody pulled off the impossible by gator rolling gators and pinning all 6 within the time allotted. I couldn’t be more proud. Cody and I kept drinking before selling our clothing and using the money to buy an old Soviet motorcycle with a side car. Then we drove naked to Austin, TX. There, we met up with BL writer Craig Sean for the first reunion with all three of us in a year and a half.
Austin couldn’t have been any better. Well actually it could have. On the third night there we went to a bar called The Face Blaster. People. Were. Getting. Wasted. Left and right. People doing beer bongs, people taking shots out of dead animals. It was out of control. And in the center of it all…was a mechanical bull. Which would have been great…except Face Blasters was having it’s “take your child to the bar” night. Which is a good idea on paper, seriously. But this one really stupid mom let her kid get on the bull.
The kid did really well at first. He held on, he put his hand up. He was putting on a clinic. But then he got cocky. The drunken, restless crowd wanted blood. They told Slick Rick the bull operator to give him a Razzle Dazzle, which in mechanical bull terms…is devastating.
Tragically…the young boy was thrown from the bull and fell into an open sewer…which is why you should never go to a bar that’s outside.
To cap off the trip, the three of us made our way to NOLA to watch the National Championship game…and saw a fuck ton of field goals.
Last night I said my tearful goodbyes to the other BL writers and flew back home…into power lines. After a short hospital stay, I’m home and ready to deliver the BL content you have all come to know and despise.