Ladies and Gentlemen,
It’s good to be back. While the Barnyard has been noticeably absent as of late, I would like to assure you it was for a good reason. Namely a handful of defamation lawsuits. Including, but not limited to, cases with: Sony, The Westboro Baptist Church, New Jersey Department of Transportation, Kraft, The Dade County Police Department, The Deaf Farmers For Rick Santorum Allegiance, and Al Roker. But we came out clean and better than ever! Actually…only 3 of us came out clean. Here’s what happened to all the BL writers during our absense
Cody DiCavalcante: Cody was one of the few writers not affected by the court cases and was able to continue writing for the BL as long as it was between the hours of 1-2 am on Tuesdays (court orders). And he couldn’t mention any of the parties listed above. However, even he took a hit when he was pronounced legally dead for 5 minutes after attempting to thaw a shrimp tray in the microwave wearing an outfit made entirely of aluminum foil. He came back to life when the ambulance drove by a Verizon cellphone tower. Doctors say he will make a full recovery, excluding his new ability to telepathically speak to his great great grandmother.
Craig Sean: Craig was hospitalized for 2 weeks after being repeatedly stabbed by a homeless monkey outside of an Austin restaurant called ‘Just Breadsticks’. The monkey had been spotted on 6th street, a popular location for bars and restaurants, several times before but typically remained in good spirits. The monkey became belligerent when an intoxicated Craig Sean struck the monkey on the side of the head with a ham filled breadstick. Despite being stabbed 13 times in the upper chest and shoulders, Craig’s doctors insisted he learn to walk again. Here’s to a speedy recovery, Craig.
Joey The Greek: Joey got deported after police pulled him over in a motorized shopping cart and discovered that he was both an immigrant and that his visa had expired. He was sent to Albania after a mix up with some fake legal papers Joey created while working at Fat Richard’s Pizza and Calzones. In other news, Joey is neither my cousin nor Greek.
Chuck Bond: Chuck was arrested by the federal authorities in mid-February for tax evasion, money laundering, racketeering, Aiding and abetting a fugitive involved in an illegal horse racing ring in Mexico, Impersonating an officer, impersonating a doctor, impersonating a lawyer, and failure to appear in court. He was also discovered to have what the Kansas DA called ‘the most extensive pornography collection I’ve ever seen’.
And what about me? What about Michael Gallo? After getting a lucrative job as a man nanny (Manny to some) I decided to take the kids I was in charge of to a petting zoo. Unfortunately I had about 9 beers with breakfast that morning and ended up getting into a pretty intense fight with a goat over what I believe was a territory dispute. Whatever the reason was, I didn’t like how the goat was looking at me, so I crushed an empty on my head and had Libby (9 years of age [After the case settled, I’m legally obligated to provide their ages]) hold my 40. After some pussy footing around I went at the goat full speed with my head down. When I collided with the goat’s head my left sinus collapsed and I saw stars that would make Mario Kart’s Rainbow Road look like it was in black and white. I stood up, blood pouring from my nose. To my left, the 3 kids I was supposed to be watching. To my right, a hallucination of Gandhi. Gandhi made a lewd gesture with his hands and I knew what I had to do. I wiped my nose, spit out my front tooth and went for round two. Libby screamed, “where’s daddy?!” I hesitated…was Libby really my child? My hesitation was a mistake. The goat capitalized on my error and collided with the side of my face. My right sinus was out for the count. I bounced right back up, reciting lyrics to a Journey song I had never heard before. I panicked…suddenly I realized that if I didn’t kill this goat, it was going to kill me. At that point, I was pretty sure I had head trauma. My mouth tasted like pennies and I had pissed myself. Twice. I channeled the spirit of Whitney Houston and went in for the final blow. I sprinted at the goat with my head down and collided, the impact accompanied by a sickening crack. I stood up. The goat was motionless. I collapsed and woke up 3 days later with a head ache, a subpoena, and no manny job. I either slept for 3 days or was in a 3 day coma. We’ll never know. After a visit to the doctors I discovered I will have no lasting side effects except for a new inability to remember anything from elementary or middle school and a breakdown in the part of my brain that recognizes the importance of sunscreen. Tragically, Butterz the goat passed away that fateful afternoon. Rest in peace Butterz.
A man learns a lot in a coma. Besides what a Gandhi hallucination will do to a Barbara Walters hallucination. He learns that there is always time to turn your life around. In all seriousness, I’ve been fighting a lot of personal demons in the past couple of months. But I’m good now. I’m here, and no worse for the wear.
I’m ready to dive back into this. To provide the Barnyard content you have come to know and love. Or maybe kind of recognize and hate. Whatever suits you. I’m here for you. No matter what happens. Sure, Cody can’t go within 125 ft. of an X-ray machine. And sure I get migraines when I hear Beethoven. And yeah, Craig Sean may have a form of Hepatitis doctors have never seen before (the monkey had something on the blade). But we’re all here, on the other side. And most importantly, we’re back!