A Post By: Michael Gallo
Early Tuesday evening the Barnyard Lampoon created the Super Tuesday Drinking Game for Tuesday’s political coverage. Not being one who shies away from a drinking experience or from facing the weird shit my head comes up with, I decided to play the game. First, I had to select which station I was going to watch the coverage on. Second, I had to find someone to drink with because, let’s face it, playing a drinking game by yourself is typically the last thing an alcoholic experiences before an intervention with every family member and friend from the past 10 years.
After 3 minutes of internet research I decided on watching CNN. Next, I called the lady friend I mentioned in the Jeff Spicoli post. And believe it or not, I still don’t think it’s a good idea to mention her name on this website. In fact, I can’t think of too many people who I should mention on here. Except Karl Jung, you fucking asshole, if I ever find you I’m gonna hurt the ones you love!
Sorry about that. Karl had a nasty run in with a cat I was cat-sitting for….I said I wouldn’t cry about this…
Anyway, below are the approximate times each event occurred during the Super Tuesday Drinking Fest. Or, SUPERTUESDAYAPALOOZA, as we came to affectionately refer to it as.
6:00 pm – Around 6 pm I called my lady friend. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Yo what’s up?
Lady friend: Nothing, just got off work.
Me: Super crazy, wanna play a game?
LF: That’s a weird way to start a conversation
Me: Yeah, I guess that was sort of Saw-ish. But wanna head over?
She had no idea.
6:21 pm – My lady friend arrives. She asks about the game. I show her the rules. She’s down like a toddler wearing an iron helmet. I turn on the CNN coverage. That’s my last official memory.
6:30 pm – I’m sober and full of hope for the GOP. Both of those things are about to change. Very, very quickly.
6:45 pm – I have to take a few drinks for words like ‘caucus’ and phrases like ‘I’m so red, I bleed red. HA!’ At that point, the game seemed too easy.
7:00 pm – Wolf Blitzer says ‘caucus’ and then says, ‘let’s go to _____ who’s with Sarah Palin in Alaska’. I drink and slowly start fearing for my young life.
7:12 pm – General confusion sets in when Sarah Palin actually says the words ‘conservative rhetoric’. Does it count if she says them? I play it safe. And drink. My lady friend is keeping up, but says things like ‘The GOP is gonna kill us’. She may be communist….
7:31 pm – Sarah Palin is still talking. Do I have enough alcohol? Sarah Palin uses the phrase ‘common sense’ and I take a shot out of pure appreciation for good humor.
7:35 pm – Sarah Palin says she wouldn’t reject an open convention. A CNN analyst calls that the ‘biggest story of the night’. Thank God I’m drunk, this is unbearable.
8:00 pm – The conservative rhetoric here could cause alcohol poisoning. I decide to be less generous with conservative rhetoric shots.
8:30 pm – Several polls close….meaning I have to take several shots.
8:31 pm – Tennessee’s important! Bottoms up!
8:40 pm – Newt comes on to speak after his big victory…in his home state.
The following events happened in 2 minute increments:
-I think to myself ‘am I just drunk or is Newt’s face fat?’
-I think to myself ‘I would take Newt’s wife out to dinner. I’ll just wait a year until he moves onto wife #4’
-Before Newt speaks they play a song with words like ‘Yeah, I’m an American’. Bottoms up!
-His name is fucking Newt. Bottoms Up!
-Sometime after 8:30 I consider getting an ass tattoo that says ‘Newt-a-mania’
9:00 pm – At this point, I’m so drunk my eyes are vibrating.
9:21 pm – Wolf Blitzer (that prick) keeps talking about how important Ohio is. Supposedly Santorum didn’t file the proper paperwork in Ohio? That’s something I would do.
9:22 pm – I welcome each commercial break as a gift from God.
9:30 pm – Santorum comes on to speak. I think these times are off by about an hour. At least. Santorum claims he ‘pumped iron’ before he came out to speak. Bottoms up…just because that’s stupid.
9:41 pm – Santorum’s daughter is pretty good looking…she looks young though, could we get some age verification? Lady friend googles it. We don’t know her name. Our efforts our futile.
9:50 pm – Santorum wants a strong crowd reaction that he simply can’t get. It makes for a very awkward speech.
9:55 pm – Good news, she’s 20!
Sometime after 11 pm – My lady friend announces that she has to leave because she has work in the morning (a friend came to pick her up, don’t worry). I tell her I also have work. She becomes panicked and suggests I take a sick day. I then suggest she stops giving out career advice. I mean to say ‘I’ve been in worse condition before’ but my memory stops at the word ‘Ibin’.
5:08 am – I come to in a sewage treatment plant wearing nothing but a traffic cone on my head and a loin cloth that appears to be made out of possum fur. I politely greet the morning shift and exit the facilities. I find all my belongings outside next to a bottle of Hot Damn! and a skinned possum.
On that long and sobering walk home I think about several things. Like the freedom and comfort of a loin cloth. But I also think about Super Tuesday. I think about Newt going 1 for 10, winning only his home state. I think about Santorum’s awkward ‘victory’ speech. And I remember Mitt Romney trying to Mormon Baptize Anne Frank’s spirit on stage after his win. Wait, that didn’t happen. That may have been a dream I had. Sewage fumes do weird things to your dreams. Regardless, it was a pretty incredible night. But pretty much only because I bombed out of my gourd. It would have sucked otherwise.
*The BL doesn’t encourage binge drinking, or drinking irresponsibly. We just suggest it.