Super Tuesday Turns Into Super Hungover Wednesday

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Early Tuesday evening the Barnyard Lampoon created the Super Tuesday Drinking Game for Tuesday’s political coverage.  Not being one who shies away from a drinking experience or from facing the weird shit my head comes up with, I decided to play the game.  First, I had to select which station I was going to watch the coverage on.  Second, I had to find someone to drink with because, let’s face it, playing a drinking game by yourself is typically the last thing an alcoholic experiences before an intervention with every family member and friend from the past 10 years.

After 3 minutes of internet research I decided on watching CNN.  Next, I called the lady friend I mentioned in the Jeff Spicoli post.  And believe it or not, I still don’t think it’s a good idea to mention her name on this website.  In fact, I can’t think of too many people who I should mention on here. Except Karl Jung, you fucking asshole, if I ever find you I’m gonna hurt the ones you love!

Sorry about that.  Karl had a nasty run in with a cat I was cat-sitting for….I said I wouldn’t cry about this…

Anyway, below are the approximate times each event occurred during the Super Tuesday Drinking Fest. Or, SUPERTUESDAYAPALOOZA, as we came to affectionately refer to it as.

6:00 pm – Around 6 pm I called my lady friend. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Yo what’s up?

Lady friend: Nothing, just got off work.

Me: Super crazy, wanna play a game?

LF:  That’s a weird way to start a conversation

Me: Yeah, I guess that was sort of Saw-ish.  But wanna head over?

LF: Sure.

She had no idea.

6:21 pm  – My lady friend arrives.  She asks about the game.  I show her the rules.  She’s down like a toddler wearing an iron helmet.  I turn on the CNN coverage.  That’s my last official memory.

Psych

6:30 pm  – I’m sober and full of hope for the GOP.  Both of those things are about to change. Very, very quickly.

6:45 pm – I have to take a few drinks for words like ‘caucus’ and phrases like ‘I’m so red, I bleed red. HA!’ At that point, the game seemed too easy.

7:00 pm –  Wolf Blitzer says ‘caucus’ and then says, ‘let’s go to _____ who’s with Sarah Palin in Alaska’.  I drink and slowly start fearing for my young life.

7:12 pm – General confusion sets in when Sarah Palin actually says the words ‘conservative rhetoric’.  Does it count if she says them? I play it safe.  And drink.  My lady friend is keeping up, but says things like ‘The GOP is gonna kill us’.  She may be communist….

7:31 pm –  Sarah Palin is still talking. Do I have enough alcohol?  Sarah Palin uses the phrase ‘common sense’ and I take a shot out of pure appreciation for good humor.

7:35 pm – Sarah Palin says she wouldn’t reject an open convention.  A CNN analyst calls that the ‘biggest story of the night’.  Thank God I’m drunk, this is unbearable.

8:00 pm – The conservative rhetoric here could cause alcohol poisoning.  I decide to be less generous with conservative rhetoric shots.

8:30 pm – Several polls close….meaning I have to take several shots.

8:31 pm – Tennessee’s important! Bottoms up!

8:40 pm – Newt comes on to speak after his big victory…in his home state.

The following events happened in 2 minute increments:

-I think to myself ‘am I just drunk or is Newt’s face fat?’

-I think to myself ‘I would take Newt’s wife out to dinner. I’ll just wait a year until he moves onto wife #4’

-Before Newt speaks they play a song with words like ‘Yeah, I’m an American’. Bottoms up!

-His name is fucking Newt. Bottoms Up!

-Sometime after 8:30 I consider getting an ass tattoo that says ‘Newt-a-mania’

9:00 pm – At this point, I’m so drunk my eyes are vibrating.

9:21 pm – Wolf Blitzer (that prick) keeps talking about how important Ohio is. Supposedly Santorum didn’t file the proper paperwork in Ohio? That’s something I would do.

9:22 pm – I welcome each commercial break as a gift from God.

9:30 pm – Santorum comes on to speak.  I think these times are off by about an hour. At least.  Santorum claims he ‘pumped iron’ before he came out to speak.  Bottoms up…just because that’s stupid.

9:41 pm – Santorum’s daughter is pretty good looking…she looks young though, could we get some age verification? Lady friend googles it.  We don’t know her name.  Our efforts our futile.

9:50 pm – Santorum wants a strong crowd reaction that he simply can’t get.  It makes for a very awkward speech.

9:55 pm – Good news, she’s 20!

Sometime after 11 pm – My lady friend announces that she has to leave because she has work in the morning (a friend came to pick her up, don’t worry).  I tell her I also have work.  She becomes panicked and suggests I take a sick day. I  then suggest she stops giving out career advice.  I mean to say ‘I’ve been in worse condition before’ but my memory stops at the word ‘Ibin’.

5:08 am – I come to in a sewage treatment plant wearing nothing but a traffic cone on my head and a loin cloth that appears to be made out of possum fur.  I politely greet the morning shift and exit the facilities.  I find all my belongings outside next to a bottle of Hot Damn! and a skinned possum.

On that long and sobering walk home I think about several things.  Like the freedom and comfort of a loin cloth.  But I also think about Super Tuesday.  I think about Newt going 1 for 10, winning only his home state.  I think about Santorum’s awkward ‘victory’ speech.  And I remember Mitt Romney trying to Mormon Baptize Anne Frank’s spirit on stage after his win.  Wait, that didn’t happen.  That may have been a dream I had. Sewage fumes do weird things to your dreams.  Regardless, it was a pretty incredible night.  But pretty much only because I bombed out of my gourd.  It would have sucked otherwise.

*The BL doesn’t encourage binge drinking, or drinking irresponsibly.  We just suggest it.

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