New Job Ideas For Joseph Kony

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Last week, thousands upon thousands of people stepped up and took to the streets in a violent protest of Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony! Never before has such an outpouring of support been seen.

Oh wait…actually, people just updated their statuses.

Facebook User:  Oh my gawd! Check this out. It will only take 30 minutes out of your day!

Boom. World saved.

As a man who makes movies for a living, don’t even get me started on how stupid it is to make a ‘powerful’ video 30 minutes long.  But, I’ll forget about that.  At least for now.  Over 40,000,000 people can’t be that stupid.

The video focuses on Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony, the leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army.  Hm, that doesn’t sound so bad.  In fact, that sounds like something Rick Santorum would be a part of.  But regardless, people were appalled to discover, apparently for the first time ever, that atrocities are GOING DOWN in Africa.  What?! Children are forced to fight? HEAVENS NO!  What? People are mauled in senseless military conflict with no end in sight? You don’t say!

Have you been living in a fucking cave?

And in other new: Shit’s fucked in the Middle East.

This isn’t breaking news, everyone.  Read a fucking newspaper once in a while.  But no, Joseph Kony is THE problem.  If he’s gone, the whole issue vanishes.  Thus, an illustrious video campaign was underway.  It took the internet by storm faster than a Paris Hilton red carpet nip slip.  I chose not to watch the video, in part because I’m busy and don’t have 30 minutes to sit down and watch a depressing video.  If I wanted to do that I’d put this shit on repeat:

I mean seriously, people actually willingly subject themselves to this stuff?  But again, apparently the answer is yes.  Status after status told me to watch the Kony 2012 video.  In fact, it took the entire afternoon for me to realize that this dude’s last name isn’t ‘2012’ (in the style of Andre 3000, see where I was coming from?)

Later that afternoon, or maybe it was the next day, the budget for Invisible Children came out and people discovered the “charity group” is spending more on films than Wes Anderson.  That’s when stuff got a little shady.  Invisible Children retaliated by saying…nothing really.  They released a budget that supported people’s skepticism.  Not to mention, the filmmaker is an idiot.

Michael Moore does a better job of handling bad press around his films and all he does is yell and let his chin jiggle.  Seriously, Jason Russell couldn’t even defend the film HE made.  Or the reasons he made it for.  But people were willing to overlook that.  Remember, Kony is the real issue.  But if we kill Kony, we’re just as bad as he is.  So instead, I suggest we just force Kony to take another job.  And because the Barnyard Lampoon is a REAL charity organization, we’re even going to suggest some new jobs for Joseph Kony.


Instead of giving children guns, Joseph Kony can give the kids books.  I’m a big proponent of reading, and children everywhere could benefit from it.  Most librarians I had growing up were really mean, evil people.  Plus, some books are right up his alley:

Wait a minute…an oppressive society forcing children to fight.  One’s a popular book series, the other is a monster. Hm,  Interesting

Film Star:

Maybe Joseph Kony should go back to his action film days.  He could make money in an appropriate way, and then he could star in Invisible Children’s next high budget movie.  Not to mention, acting is like riding a bike.  He’ll remember what to do.

BL Reader: Joseph Kony was in a movie?

Uh. Yeah.  Check out this clip of Joseph Kony playing ‘Dillon’ alongside Arnold Schrwazereneegger.


Reggae Band Guitarist:

He had the looks in his earlier days:

Plus, now he’ll be preaching about peace and love.  And drugs.  And half baked political ideologies.

Youth Soccer Coach:

He clearly has drive and an ability to get kids to do some crazy things.  He should use that skill to create some really talented young soccer players.  The next Didier Drogba, if you will.  Plus, he can take out his anger in a less violent manner.

There you have it.  Brand new ideas for Joseph Kony’s “next step”.  We don’t have to kill him, people.  That’s stooping to his level.

And seriously, there’s nothing funny about children being forced to fight and die for a cause they don’t even understand (not that it’d be okay if they understood it).  But do some research and know your facts before you jump on some bandwagon activist movement.  Support the right group.


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