A Post By: Michael Gallo
Tomorrow is one of the greatest days of the entire year (behind Arbor day, and North Korean Glorious Super Deluxe Independence From the Horrors of Capitalism Day)! It’s the start of the NCAA basketball tournament. Men and women everywhere will ignore basic responsibilities like work and hygiene so they can watch amateur basketball programs fight for eternal glory (or the chance to get blown out in the next round). Who will be the this year’s Cinderella? Who will be this year’s VCU? There are a lot of questions to answer when you’re filling out your bracket. Luckily for you, the Barnyard Lampoon is generous enough to share with you how to best fill out your bracket. Follow our advice, and we GUARANTEE you will win your office pool. In fact, I bet you $60, right now, no questions asked. Fuck! Remember what the counselor said Mike!
After a quick call to 1-800-Betsoff, I’m back. Here are the things you have to remember.
1. If the number next to the school’s name is lower than the other school’s, they’re going to win. Without a doubt. “Upsets” are typically reserved for regular season play. Don’t believe me? Look up the last time a 16 seed beat a 1 seed. I’ll save you some trouble. It was fucking never. It’s never happened. The first round looks like a prison riot in an Alaskan penitentiary, where it’s daylight 22 hours out of the day giving you ample time to ‘shank’ someone in the yard.
-Don’t be “that guy” that has Norfolk going the distance. You’ll lose the office pool and everyone will think you’re an asshole. Now, that being said…
2. This is all fucking luck. Complete luck. There’s nothing else to it. A 13 seed could easily upset a 5 seed. Wait…no, a 13 could upset a…carry the two, divide by one…a 4 seed? Fuck, I don’t know. Math sucks. In the tournament of life, math is a 16 seed. Who needs it?
3. Ride luck hard. Luck can be a fickle bitch, but sometimes she gives you the hot hand. Trust me, if you bet on these brackets like I do (millions of dollars through the Las Vegas black market gambling scene) then you need a hot hand. My first suggestion is throw out any organized religion you may believe in, and accept pagan gods. That way you can sacrifice a goat on the threshold of your home and get IMMEDIATE results from your new sun god.
4. All right, that just got pretty heavy. I just told you to reject your God. Who am I, Obama?! Haha, but seriously…am I Obama? No, but I’m FUCKING serious…are YOU Obama?! Aren’t we all god damn Barack FUCKING Obama?! I don’t need your condoms you Muslim, cigarette smoking, Kenyan!!
Whoa. Whoa. I’d like to apologize for what you just read. I said some things, I’m sure you said some things…let’s just move past it.
5. Back to the action!
Barnyard Reader: Michael Gallo, how do I select which team is going to win? An upset can occur in almost EVERY match up.
I’m glad you asked. I have a tried and true method for selecting my bracket. It’s never failed me.
I time travel.
All right actually it’s only failed. While my machine can successfully bend the parameters of space and time, I can’t actually select a date. So I’ve never hit a year more recent than 1876. So essentially I can only travel into the past. Which doesn’t help. And I typically get violently ill every time I time travel. Bunch of worm hole shit you guys wouldn’t understand.
So when I get back to the present, I typically do one of two things…
Barnyard Disclaimer: The following options are incredibly sadistic, and highly inaccurate.
Option A: I adopt a Wheaten Terrier (which by the way, is the ugliest fucking dog in the world) and typically feed it very little for about 2 and half days. Next, I buy 68 pet store hamsters from Petsmart. Then, I painstakingly spray paint each tournament team name onto the back of each hamster. One hamster, per team. Get it? Next, I take the dog and my hamsters into the basement where my
Japanese Immigrant Fighting Ring exercise cage is located. I start the clock and dump the hamsters into the cage with the dog. Oh, important side note…wear a pancho. No, fuck that, wear two panchos. Cause shit’s gonna get everywhere. The dog essentially tears through all 68 hamsters in around 4 minutes and 34 seconds (last year’s time, an all time best). I take detailed notes, and record which teams hamster makes it to the end, and survives longer than the other hamster in his bracket. Next, I feed the dog. See, it’s still humane. He’s just having fun!
Option B: This option is a little less sadistic. With the money I made on last year’s tournament, I pay off the governor to pardon 68 prisoners from Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. Next, I take all 68 prisoners to the soccer field at Leavenworth High School. You see where this is going? Each prisoner gets a teams name spray painted onto his back…are you there yet? Then we give him an orange inside of a long tube sock. Still not there? Then I blow a whistle and watch the prisoners beat the living shit out of each other. Why would they fight like this? Because they don’t know they’re only fighting for a tournament. They think they’re fighting for their freedom! Which is partly true. The last prisoner standing shows me which team will win the whole tourney and…he gets his freedom. It’s a win-win.
So there you have it. Hopefully that helps you fill out the best bracket possible. If my dog and prisoner tests are correct…
Then Kentucky is going all the way. You heard it here first folks!