By: Cody DiCavalcante
Guess what bloggers??? Or should I call you blogging viewers?? Whatever you want to be called I’ll call you it but first let me tell you something very important and beneficial to the Barnyard Lampoon, its Craig Sean’s birthday! Well, it’s actually a day after his birthday but there are reasons to this belated post. First off, yesterday morning I was in a geographic region that was sprouting with Black-bellied sea pigs which as we all know disrupts internet connection. After I left it was around 6 pm and I was stuck in rush hour on the PCH where I met three celebrities such being the guy who played Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan, the guy who never said never (what’s his name again?) and the Nicaraguan Three (A trio of three musicians from Central America who used recycled bath products to make music) So, really you could say I met 5 celebrities. When I finally got home it was about 10 pm and huge jet came crashing down into my house. The pilot opened up the cockpit took one good look at the sky and said, “Take that Japan”! He must have been delirious from the crash. I was going to invite him in but I had some writing to do. He didn’t care he just walked in the house next door, which happened to be a family of four German backcountry folk. A half hour in I heard polka music and fireworks, from inside their house. Anyways, it’s time to celebrate a man worth celebrating. Hell yeah! Bust open the goat cheese beer and sausage links, it’s time to celebrate like we’re going through a black hole and Mel Gibson is a gigantic octopus on the other side! I’ve known Craig Sean for a long time, maybe even before I was born. Maybe we were talking about how cool space is floating along as tiny cells and battling it out in the backburner of a comet tail. Who knows?!? What I do know is that this is a man worth celebrating for. He came into this earth with a mild to severe cramp in his abdomen from running too hard into home base on impact of being birthed and can wear a yarmulke. I had to look that up because spell check couldn’t understand that “yamaca” wasn’t anywhere in its database. I guess I’m not Jewish. Anyways, this man is so good at math that he can add up all the good times and subtract all the bad ones at the tap of a pencil. Careful, you might disrupt Misha the beefcake! What I plan to do in this post is think of one good memory with this specific man and develop it into something worth a million dollars or maybe just a repair of the Statue of Liberty if you people don’t disagree. Let’s get started.
Well, if I try to think of one good memory that makes things super hard, like superman can’t even try to muscle up the courage to help me out on this one. He actually just took off. He didn’t even finish his carrot cake. Does anyone know another superhero in the area that likes such a dessert? Ah shuck it. My favorite memory of Craig Sean is probably an earlier one, one from when we were kids, well not kids but you get the idea or do you? Let’s carry on shall we? Craig Sean and I grew up together, went to the same schools, attended the same lectures, and got the same grades on a lot of assignments (Sometimes we took the low grades for everybody in the whole grade in science class). I’d say the only difference we had in each other is he liked to sleep really late in the day and I didn’t mow nearly as many lawns as he did for that proverbial fat cash as said proverbially in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I always ate dinner at his parent’s house. There was this one cabinet drawer that I always opened at dinner. It was always the same shit. A few plate mats, some candles, some toy cars, and a bottle of horse sized pills for their hypersensitive dog Riley (RIP little furry friend). The horse pills always made me fall out of my chair. Eventually, his parents who were scared of my reaction, didn’t jump out of their seats to my loud and unexpected laugh and knew I was observing the horse pills. I’ve done it every year since I was about seven years old. One of the first times I ever hung out with him, I kicked off my LA light shoes and they landed in his Koi pond. I’m pretty sure a goldfish got a shoe-full of force. He probably wasn’t able to produce children that fiscal year. The times go on and on and on and on. I can’t really give you people one memory so I’ll just see what happens as I keep writing this. Here we go. I first met Craig Sean in first grade. It was awesome. We laughed all the time, never really paid attention. I mean why pay attention? All I can remember from first grade is guessing how many M+M’s were in a jar and maybe a few drawing exercises.
When we got to Middle school (Sorry, if I just jumped 5 years but I wanted to get the hell to a more easily accessible time in my brain), the classes we had, started to dwindle. We had an English class together and our teacher was always threatening to give us detentions because we couldn’t stop laughing. It was a lot of fun. I can’t really think of a time when laughing wasn’t a part of our social interactions. One time, his mom was driving us somewhere (we couldn’t drive that much before we were 16) and I was sitting in the backseat, looking around the whole car because my ADD was activated. He and his mom were engaged in a deep conversation so I found a way to change their subject. I found a blonde wig on the floor and a thing of lipstick and put them both on. After a couple seconds I started laughing at my own behavior and they both turned around. They laughed so hard and even got a picture out of it. He had a basketball hoop in his front yard and I always tried to act like Michael Jordan when I used it. One time I actually was shooting hoops and his dad, who I thought was Craig Sean, came out the garage door. It was dark so I couldn’t tell and therefore I called him a dick. I dropped the basketball and tried to run away and out of sight of his dad who always scared me as a kid. His dad was always a referee in the middle of our shenanigans. Such shenanigans include: throwing a pair of crutches in the next door neighbor’s tree, opening a cookie jar multiple times because it was a voice activated chef that said, Hahaha! Keep your hands away from my cookie jar!”(I think I did that about 30 times each time surprisingly was better than the last), shaking Craig Sean’s shelf and making a bowling trophy fall on the ground, jumping up and down to Gary Glitter band at midnight, among other things. One time I even got choked by Craig’s uncle at his bar mitzvah for throwing candy on the dance floor. I never thought 13 held so much drunken abuse! I never thought I’d get choked by a middle-aged Jewish man at Kaufman Stadium (that’s where the bar mitzvah party was at) but I did. It was a life changing experience. I no longer use candy as a way to get the crowd going. I’ve found people get aggressive with chocolate.
When we got to high school, Craig Sean was there, just hanging out in alleys smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco but that wasn’t what made him a good guy. What made him a good guy is what makes evil guys evil. I now you’re thinking that I’m being really brash but just keep reading. In reality, Craig Sean wasn’t a bad guy at all. He was the coolest, nicest dude in the Kansas City metropolitan area and he had a strong appreciation for teacher history month. I had the opportunity to live with Craig Sean for a couple years in high school. Sometimes I ate his frozen pizza but that was the only time we ever found any kind of predicament. Oh yeah, also the time I filled up his shaving cream top with shaving cream then put the top back on and left a mountain of oozing white gunk in the bathroom, uninterrupted, untouched with a touch of upper division credit. BUT THAT’S IT! I slept in his older brother, Jonathan’s, room. I’ve been informed that that room is now being used to keep yarn and other assorted goods. I’d rather be spinning. I loved living with Craig Sean. A typical school night consisted of avoiding homework, sitting in the living room watching football games, listening to his mother weave yarn with a spinning wheel, an eloquent spinning wheel if I might add, and laughing at his hyperactive dogs. His dad was awesome. His dad was a jack of all trades. I never really had a conversation with him longer than 2 minutes but it was always fun. He was a fast, heavy-footed walker and loved tools. His basement was cut into two sections. One part was more for family assorted activities and the other side was a tool man’s paradise. It held every tool you can think of and smelled like chemicals that might be a cautionary tale in the future. His dad also collected DVD’s. He had so many that he eventually had to start getting rid of certain items in the living room to make room for more shelving space. Those discarded items included: an aquarium filled with fish and water, a stereo system that made Led Zeppelin cringe and the full-sized couch used in Saving Private Ryan. We eventually sat on the floor on pillows just big enough for our bums. He had more DVD’s than I had muscles and bones combined! It was awesome. I’d usually take a DVD for viewing before bed some of my favorites being: K-PAX, Cars, The Terminator, Cast Away, and Forrest Gump. I think I kept one of them in my room for two weeks until his dad came up to my door, 20 feet from the living room, demanding I pay him in DVD exchanges or I’d be moving out by the next day. I wish I never had to leave. Moving to college was the first time Craig Sean and I would have to go our separate ways. It was intense. It was farfetched. It was something that fucked me up really bad but I didn’t even forget the memories or how much we laughed all the time. I still consider Craig Sean a man among mortals but with sunglasses on he reaches the demigod status and performs sacred rituals on pregnant cats.
Craig Sean has turned another age, wiping one lesser number off the board for another bigger number and not looking a day older than…Let’s make a toast and a gulp and even a chug to the biggest sonofabitch I know, Craig Sean. May you blow out your birthday candles and do only that, completely avoiding the carpet and curtains to be caught by the flames of a thousand sorrows. Happy birthday Craig Sean! I’ll say it again, and I’ say it forever you deserved it last year and the year before that but definitely this year.