Tide Detergent: The New Heroin

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Do you wash your clothing with Tide laundry detergent?  Because if you do, stop it.  Apparently, you can sell that shit on the streets for half the store price, OR you can swap it for actual street drugs.  You read that correctly, hand a drug dealer a bottle of Tide and he’ll hand you crack, heroin, cocaine, mescaline, MDMA, anything.  According to several credible news sources (CNN, Fox, MSNBC, Huffington Post, and my Uncle Richard), Tide detergent is so popular on the streets that when drug houses are raided, they sometimes find more Tide than actual drugs.

So this phenomena begs the question:  what are they doing with all that Tide?

Are they snorting it?

Doubt it.  I hawked Tide into my sinus when I was really drunk one time and ever since I haven’t been able to smell meat from animals that eat grass.

Are they injecting it?

Again, unlikely.  It’s consistency isn’t ideal for shooting into one’s veins.

So what’s up?  Apparently, due to Tide’s trademark color, scent, and logo, it’s got a high street value.  Ergo, a drug addict who needs a quick fix can go into a grocery store, steal a big bottle of Tide, and sell it on the streets for around $11 (half of its store value).  That’s fast money.  Plus, now drug dealers will have cleaner clothes.  EVERYONE wins.  But think about that first person who met up with his drug dealer and said

Addict:  Sorry bro…I don’t have any cash…I have Tide though?

Drug Dealer:  Hm…all right, I’ll take it.

Here are a few more questions:

-Does High Efficiency Tide go for more on the streets?  Or maybe less?  It’s unlikely these drug dealers have high efficiency washing machines.

-Has someone really tried to ingest this shit hoping to get high?

-Are other brands accepted as drug currency?  What about Gain?  I consider myself a Gain guy…and I like heroin…can I switch or am I shit out of luck?

With all this Tide getting stolen, store owners are starting to get pissed.  In fact, it’s such a problem in some areas that stores are starting to put electronic monitors on their Tide bottles.  Hm.  Sweet fix, bruh.  Have you ever met a drug addict?  These people are like super-determined cyborg monkeys.  If you told a drug addict there was some crack on the other side of a brick wall, he’d fucking run through it

But yeah, make sure there’s a flimsy, plastic, electronic tag on the top of it.  Idiots.  A drug addict in Oregon stole $25,000 worth of Tide.  Are you serious?!  I’m terrible at math, but figure out how many bottles this guy took.  Hint:  it’s a shit ton of Tide.  You don’t find that type of determination in sober people.

So if you use Tide, sell that shit.  And if you don’t use it, steal it, then sell it.  Or kill someone with a large load of Tide, and then sell their Tide.  Pretty soon, you may be the Scarface of Tide deals.  Which I guess would sort of be cool.  Except not really.  Plus, the only people worse than drug addicts are drug dealers.  Wanna take a clip to the chest over a bottle of Tide?  Then hang out with shady ass drug dealers during Tide deals gone wrong.

I’m gonna go do laundry…then make some quick street cash.


3 thoughts on “Tide Detergent: The New Heroin

  1. The person who wrote this is the dumbest person ever! I am now dumber for reading it! And who the hell are you calling drug addicts “these people”. GET A LIFE!

  2. Rp,
    Umadbro? I have a severe inclination to believe you were much “dumber” before reading our post. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say this post had very little to do with your lack of intelligence. I’d be willing to bet your stupidity stems from geographical location (the south, most likely). Or parental neglect. Perhaps you are lacking in formal education. No, scratch that. I guarantee you are lacking in formal education. And I am me. I am Michael Gallo and I am calling “drug addicts” “these people”. Does that answer your question? Thank you for your incredible feedback. We’ll go ahead and file your comment under “the random musings of a rube”.

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