Ladies and Gentlemen,
First and foremost, welcome to our fresh, brand new site. Sort of looks like the old one, right?
SO wrong. Allow me to help you navigate our new additions, and explain some of the changes we made to barnyardlampoon.com
Firstly, we needed more publicity. To get the much needed attention, we hired a media specialist. This guy will write press releases, handle the media, and contact our sponsors and contractors. Unfortunately, after a lengthy interviewing process…our only option was Ozzie Guillen.
For multiple reasons, I see the Barnyard Lampoon having to offer several retractions, and probably settle outside of court on multiple occasions. But that’s okay! We here at the BL are just excited to have a little Latin flavor on staff, you know what I mean? In fact, we don’t really have anyone of color on staff here. So we hired a white intern! His name is Chris. For his safety and the safety of those he cares about, we’re choosing not to release his last name.
We made him write a next of kin letter, and put aside money in case his family has to take care of funeral arrangements. LOL, right Chris? After we explained the duties of the typical BL intern, he threw up. Is there such thing as pre-PTSD?
Next, we almost doubled our staff. No matter who we pick up though, they’ll never replace Chuck Bond. He’s sort of like the BL’s 2pac…We miss you Chuck.
OH GOD DAMMIT! Chris just pissed the rug. Where do these pussy kids come from? In my day interns use to be made of something. We haven’t even started the hazing.
Anyway, we added writers like Dr. Snuzzy and Dr. Bozzles, two doctors (sort of…) who will offer their medical advice, and advice in areas like addiction, and dating. They’re sort of like Dr. Drew, but fused into one…and they both got their doctorates from a community college in Idaho…
Last of the writers, is a man that simply goes by “Animal Mother”. Hailing from New Jersey, Animal Mother just got done doing 12 years in a federal penitentiary. Aside from charges like “Vehicular Manslaughter” with a rocket powered go cart, and Arson to the 12th degree (what are the first 11?) he’s a really great guy who will bring a lot to the table. It will be up to Animal Mother to review bars, restaurants, and shops. And it will be up to us to make sure he doesn’t violate his probation…
Eh, who are we kidding, it will be up to Chris to make sure Animal Mother doesn’t violate his probation. Which, now that I think about it…I don’t think he’s supposed to drink, but he’s reviewing bars for us…In the words of Ben Franklin, “fuck it”.
Oh, and we added some other writers, but they’re not ex convicts, so who really gives a shit.
Now, for the navigation. This is very simple, but it can be confusing if you’re a dipshit.
To see any piece written by a specific writer, go to the BARNYARD WRITERS page at the very bottom of the website. Click on that, and then click on the writers name and you’ll be shown every article he’s ever written. Now granted, it will be under construction for some time, but it should be completely ready by this weekend.
To find anything else, you can navigate through the BARNYARD ORIGINALS page by clicking on a post’s category, or you can go to BARNYARD ARCHIVES, which will have all posts arranged by the month they were written. But remember, this won’t be completely finished for probably about another week.
Now, I know what you are all saying, “Mr. Gallo, with this new design are you guys gonna fucking sell out and skimp us on that dank ass bomb ass content you’ve been feeding us for 2 years?” The answer, quite simply, is fuck no.
However, we did get a sponsor. The SPONSORS page will be updated soon, but our main sponsor right now is LABCO Labs, a lab with a lot of outstanding lawsuits for their “products”. Discount shit, ya heard?
You’re still gonna get that same old bullshit from us, but now even better, from more writers and from different angles. Except now, we have new shit, like the game “How High Are You?” drunken movie reviews, The Gist of It (where we fly through important historical moments, most likely while drunk), Lawn Advice with Jose, and “This Week in AA” a powerful, bi-weekly post by Animal Mother. “This week in AA comes out bi-weekly?” – BL Reader.
Yeah it does, so fucking deal with it.
And as always, if you want to contribute just email posts to email@example.com. However, I’m not expecting much because our previous material scares away writers like a girl with herpes scares away guys at a college bar.
Cool story, Hansel.