Chris The Intern: Excuse Our Mess

A Post By: Chris the Intern

Well, hey there!

My name is Chris the Intern! Well actually it’s Chris ******** (Editor’s note: last name removed for safety reasons/pending lawsuits/elimination of guilt/he’s our bitch). I’m a senior at the University of Tulsa.  Shoutout to my Golden Hurricanes! (Editor’s note: Has there ever been a hurricane in Oklahoma?). I’m majoring in English and minoring in Film, basically the opposite of what Michael Gallo did. And Cody DiCavalcante is still in school, I guess. I like Cody a lot. When I met him for the first time he barked at me like a dog and threatened to stab me in the stomach haha, good times. I guess Craig Sean majored in Film too, but he told me I’m not allowed to talk to him anymore. And if I ABSOLUTELY have to speak to him, I have to email him first, and I can’t make eye contact. Stuff was a bit rough here for the first few days.

But wow, I can’t believe I’m really here, typing for THE Barnyard Lampoon! I used to read this stuff almost every day in my college English class lol. I’ve come a long way. In high school, they wouldn’t even let me on the newspaper staff. Look at me now, Mr. Jennings! Ha. Mr. Jennings got caught with a tranny that dressed up like KU basketball’s assistant coach Danny Manning. Her/his name was Tranny Manning. I think that was a dark period of his life. Do you get it?!

Dang, week 1 and I’m nailing this stuff! Ha, I would have said “shit” but I don’t agree with cursing. My first day, I told Mr. Gallo and Cody that they shouldn’t curse so much. Cody called me an ass gobbling thunder bitch, and Mr. Gallo broke an empty bottle of Jameson over my head. Luckily they gave me an awesome benefits package, so I was in and out of the hospital in a jiffy! Thanks OBAMACARE, lol. WHERE ARE MY CONDOMS!? HAha, do you get it?

Anyway, my first week has been a bit crazy!  In the interview, they said they wouldn’t haze me…but I feel like they may be hazing me.  Craig Sean was in town this past weekend for Passover. When I asked if he was Jewish, he smacked me in the face with the handle of a Swiffer Wet Jet and told me to “respect my elders”. I didn’t want to cry, but you know how you always cry when something hits you in the nose? It hurt. Anyway, Craig Sean told me to go get bagels, but I had to walk. The whole way, Craig Sean drove his car (on the sidewalk) right behind me blasting “Ice Cream Paint Job”. Eventually he accidentally floored it, and ran me over. I didn’t get too hurt, but boy was I startled. Now, when I hear that song, I piss my pants.

But I couldn’t get this sort experience anywhere else! I do more than write, oh boy do I! Just last night, I got to pick up their newest writer from the bus station. His name is Animal Mother. What type of name is that? Apparently, he just got out of prison. He told me I had a pretty mouth. I don’t really get that, but whatever he’s into! When we stopped at a stop light he saw a female cop and started……touching himself inappropriately. I cried.

Anyway, that night we all got really drunk! Well they did, I don’t drink lol. And then they blew coke. And then smoked Peyote. And then ate Mescaline. After they started drinking cough syrup, I asked if all these drugs were going to show up on Animal Mother’s urine analysis. He has to pee in a cup for his probation every 8 hours. Animal Mother got so mad he gave me a “North Dakotan Dental Exam” which is something from prison. He put a bar of soap in a tube sock and knocked out three of my teeth. Lol…I guess.

Next, because I was being “born into the Barnyard” I had to crawl through a long cardboard tube which had vaseline all over the walls inside. At the end of the tunnel was a small opening I had to squeeze through. The whole time, I had a rope tied to my waist. When I slipped out, they cut the rope and welcomed me to the world. Mr. Gallo’s eyes were crazy looking.

So that’s my first week! Don’t worry, I’m all right. And I love it here! But I was told to directly tell you, the reader, that we are switching to a new site design. The old one was by Saul Bass, who I guess was a pretty cool guy. But Cody started dating his daughter. Which was fine, she was 21. But Cody accidentally left her in Albuquerque. The Bass’ are from Connecticut. So he got mad, and said we couldn’t use the black background and red letters at the top. So they kept using the design. Then the FCC raided Mr. Gallo’s apartment. I was there. When they busted the door in, Mr. Gallo picked up his laptop and threw it into a kiddie pool full of cherry Jello. Then he threatened to “go down fighting” before they pepper sprayed him.

But we will be switching to a new website design! I’m excited! They told me that I run all of this stuff now. And they made it clear if we ever “go down” I had to tell the authorities that I always maintained the site, and that I was responsible for the “off shore accounts”. I don’t really get it, but I’m just glad to be here.

Peace and Love!

Chris the Intern

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