A Post By: Michael Gallo
They say the only things that occur in life with absolute certainty are death and taxes. While our “How To: Not Die” post is still in the works, we here at the BL thought it would be helpful to teach the common folk how to file their taxes. You don’t have to be an accountant to figure out your taxes, and our easy, comprehensive guide can help even the BIGGEST dipshit.
Follow our simple How To guide and you’ll figure out how to correctly file your taxes and avoid those pesky IRS people. We
guarantee are pretty sure you won’t get in legal trouble. But seriously, if you waver from our guide even a little…it’s lights out. And just ask ex prisoner and current BL writer Animal Mother what “lights out” in prison is like.
1. Download the correct forms
First, you need the right forms. If you send the wrong forms to the IRS it’s going to fuck up everything and you’ll rot in prison after an embarrassing arrest at the office. The cops cuffing you in front of your boss and that girl Rachel who you liked for a bit before you saw how much she drank at the Xmas party, and now you can tell she’s judging you, you fucking know it!
Anyway, download the correct forms. We have them for you here:
Ah shit, that’s not it.
Here it is:
Wait, that doesn’t seem right either.
You know what, forget it. Just make your own form, the IRS is definitely down with that. Here’s an example:
Line 1: Wife’s weight______
Line 2: Last time you ate brownies (date in Roman numerals)___________
Line 3: Times you’ve used a beer bong (total)_______
Line 4: How many people your grandfather killed in Dubya Dubya 2 (if less than 6, subtract from 2 from Line 2)
Line 5: How much money YOU think you should have made last year_____
And keep going in that fashion until you have figured out how much the government owes you.
2. Collect proof of income
We suggest emptying your bank account into cash and putting it all in stacks on your bed with a scantily clad woman behind it. Take a picture of this “scene” and send it to the IRS.
3. Shred all of your receipts
This way, when the IRS finds your glaring errors, they won’t be able to trace it back to you. No paper trail, you know what I mean?
4. Ask the IRS
Professionals will suggest asking the IRS for help. Fuck that. That’s like asking a whore for a lesson in chastity. Or a Klan member for advice on racial tolerance. Or asking Willy Wonka how to avoid diabetes.
All right, the last one was a stretch.
At this point, if you’ve been following our advice, you should be pretty well screwed. It’s time to take some drastic measures.
6. Invasive face surgery
I suggest surgery to get your face replaced. Completely change your identity. If you have children, erase their memories and leave them behind. To erase memories, give them half a liter of Kentucky Gentlemen. I took down that amount one time and I don’t remember jack shit from that night.
7. Capture an Asian
They’re good at math. Now, this is really a game of give an take. You may get your taxes filed, but you’re now guilty of kidnapping. But when it’s all said and done, I’d call it worth it.
So as you can see, taxes really aren’t that difficult. It may seem like a daunting task initially, but people have been paying taxes since before Jesus told us to tolerate scumbags that take our money. Hopefully this article helped, and remember…
Taxes are due APRIL 20th! Don’t file them late!