Penguin Assassin: A Black and White Affair

A Post By: Craig Sean

Newt Gingrich was involved in a close call today at the St. Louis Zoo. He was enjoying the penguin exhibit when, suddenly, the would be assassin went straight for Gingrich’s fingers. Some speculate the plan was to dismember the candidates finger while others (the better story) believe it was going for the kill.

Police are interrogating the subject, but we are being told the subject is difficult to understand. Police are asking zookeepers to assist in the interrogation as the suspect is a penguin.

Turns out Gingrich might find it difficult to get the zoo animal votes. This is not his first close encounter with zoo residents. He had another close encounter with a Bearcat.

An elephant who seemed to be, without question, going for the kill.

And one can only speculate what this python could’ve done had it not been “taken care of” by security

(these animals were not available for comments)

Gingrich downplayed the incident saying he was “nipped on the finger.” The zoo director claims she “took care of the injuries.” Which means it’s dead.

Newt is a self-described “Zoo fan”, but the penguin might not invite him back. Some suspect the animals were outraged because Gingrich was set to speak at an NRA meeting later that afternoon. Animals have been long time critics of the NRA.

Except this one:


And this one:


And this one:




One more:

Just kidding, last one:

Gingrich must take care of this battleground state “property” if he wants to have any hope at the White House. As he left the zoo, a Gingrich spokesperson claimed “he will be back.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s