The Barnyard Lampoon Remembers Dick Clark

A Post By: Michael Gallo

I’ll always remember where I was when I heard that Dick had Clark died. I was on Division St. with a cop’s knee in the back of my neck. I heard it over the scanner.

“All units, Dick Clark just passed away”.

The cop and I stopped. Suddenly, me calling him a “fucking pig” and an “inexcusable waste of tax dollars” seemed trivial. The cop looked at me with tears in his eyes. “THE Dick?” He said. I nodded. We held each other. For a second, we transcended our reality. I was no longer a criminal, and he was no longer a cop. We were both just lovers of Dick.

Wait. For the sake of this article, let’s figure out another way to word that…Dick fans? Dick aficionados?

Forget it, you know what I mean.

Today, famed radio host Dick Clark passed away from what the hospital called a “massive heart attack”. At least he went out in style.

When the cop dropped me off at my apartment, I went inside to tell Animal Mother the bad news. Animal Mother’s staying on my couch until he can find another job, a place to live, a neighborhood with no more than 60 people, and an area that has no more than 6 cars drive by on a weekly basis (all court orders). I told him. He nodded, the grief evident in his face. We went outside to tell Chris the Intern. Chris the Intern is currently staying in a wooden shed that Animal Mother and I built last weekend. It’s only 5′ X 6′ but it will keep the rain out…sort of.

Chris the Intern didn’t know who Dick Clark was. Animal Mother slapped him across the face with a metal spatula. “DON’T DISRESPECT THE DICK!” – Animal Mother 2012

Let me fill you young people in. With the Dick.

Dick Clark was a radio DJ, a guy who could spin the vinyl and get the kids dancing. He helped some other idiot run The Bandstand, you know the show, the one where all the high school teenagers dance around to 50’s rock and roll. Dick Clark became the host of the show when the regular host got arrested for drunken driving in 1956. This may seem like a big deal, but in ’56 everyone was drunken driving. In those days, after 8 pm any given road had more drunks on it than Bourbon Street on Mardi Gras.

But regardless, Dick Clark was the main guy. He changed the face of TV AND music. He introduced America to black artists (something the other racist host wouldn’t do).

But most importantly, he made people dance! Teenagers showed their parents what American music was all about. A generation said, “see? It’s not so bad. We’re just twisting and doing the mash potato!” Unfortunately, as is evident in the size of the American population, this dancing probably led to unmentionable things happening in the back of T-birds.

Dick Clark was an innovator. He found a way to sell music, broadcasting, dancing, and the American dream. Unfortunately, when people die, everyone has the tendency to say, “oh, he was the_____(fill in the blank) of our day.” But they invariably get it backwards. Take for instance the credible news source who called Dick Clark the “Carson Daly” of his day. What?! No, you fucking dipshits, Carson Daly is the Dick Clark of OUR day, get it? Dick Clark was original. Carson Daly was influenced by the Dick. In more ways than one.

According to my great grandmother, who visited me in a dream during a cough syrup induced coma, Dick Clark was never the same after his stroke. That may be the case, but damn I applaud him for trying. I think the entertainment industry could learn a thing or two from Dick Clark. Let’s get back to the wholesome. Let’s get back to the Bandstand! Let’s get America back to prominence!

The Barnyard Lampoon has always been a big fan of Dick Clark, just now. We’ve always been influenced by him. That’s why, to honor Dick Clark, we’re going to have ONE MORE BANDSTAND! This Saturday, everyone’s invited! Let’s get hammered and dance to old music.

FOR DICK!

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