The Post That Will Never Be

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Originally, tonight’s post was going to be in the form of a letter written by the ghost of Osama Bin Laden. For two days now I have sat down with a pen and paper and written down several things that, in my opinion, would be funny if said by Osama Bin Laden’s ghost. “Greetings from Hell!” read one hilarious line. “I’m buddies with Adolf Hitler, Lulz!” read another. In my opinion, it couldn’t get better. And yet, something tugged at my heart. I have, unfortunately, run into something that the BL doesn’t find funny. And if intuition serves me correctly, it never will.

BL Reader: Osama Bin Laden? Are you fucking serious? You joked about Fred Phelps partaking in recreational sodomy!

Truth, thank you for pointing that out to me. However, let me show you some extremely basic math (numbers aren’t my strong point)

Osama Bin Laden + The American Mind = 9/11

While I don’t currently live in NY, it lives in me. NY is in my blood. And to me, and millions of other people, 9/11 isn’t funny. It never will be. You have the Michael Gallo promise that the BL will never joke about 9/11 in any way shape or form. I have no shame in admitting that.

BL Reader: Enough of this sentimental bullshit, what WILL you joke about?

Well…

HOW ABOUT A NEW JERSEY MOM THAT LOOKS LIKE SHE’S IN BLACK FACE!?!?

Hells yeah, now we’re talking! This woman is one straw hat and a pair of overalls away from doing a jig on a Charleston porch in a film from 1920. But that’s not the best part! No way, there’s more folks! This psycho actually took her 4 year old daughter tanning. She was even considerate enough to give her a stand up bed. Which is sort of considerate, right? Whenever I go tanning I hang upside down by my ankles and tan over an open bed with someone in it. This gives me that nice base tan while also offering a unique way to become friendly with strangers. You should see how I get my Brazilian!

CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE?!

Fuck that Watson, on with the show!

How about this little tid bit? Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Can we get a moment of silence?

 

I think we can all agree with that. Let me make a quick analogy, if you will. So let’s say several people are running a race. We’ll say the 400. So everyone makes it around the first curve, except for one guy. He falls 3 steps in and slams his face onto the track, teeth and blood flying out. But he gets up. “Don’t let the haters hate!” Yells the crowd. He keeps on keeping on. Every now and then spitting out a tooth and incessantly rambling about 2.50 gas. Finally, while the last couple of racers come up on the final, most difficult part of the race, this other idiot falls for a second time finishing off whatever teeth he had left and caving in his nose. Paramedics cart him off as he sobs. Is this in anyway admirable? Did he lose the race, or was he forced out because of how freakin incompetent he is? You decide.

BL Reader: Okay, I’m liking this so far, what else you got?

Buckle your seat belts, it’s about to get GERMAN!

No, this German segment is completely Nazi-free

BL Reader: I’m checking out

Wait, hear me out! Germany’s third largest political party is the Pirate Party. Let me type that for you a couple more times, instead of asking you to inconvenience yourself with having to go back and read. Pirate. Party. Pirate Party. Now granted, the “pirate” stands for internet pirates, the type that steal music, movies, and important documents.

But it’s essentially mob rule! Politicians that belong to the party are told what to do by groups of people who discuss issues in online forums. In the words of a close friend and confidant, “do you know how stupid that is?” Very, in case you wondering. Leave it to Germans. The head of the party is named Bernd Schlömer. German names – 1 everything else – o. Wanna know what happened to the first leader? He got arrested for possession of child pornography. Whoops. Guess we know what he was pirating.

Seriously.

Last up, we have a lady who died because she drank over 7 liters of Coke a day. In the 80’s, people were doing 7 pounds of coke a day, and they didn’t die. Makes you wonder how bad this stuff really is. I may give up coke. And soda. Or whatever.

What was I saying?

 

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