Delivered to the Institute of Agricultural Technology and Science For The Deaf, Kanorado, KS
Translated into sign language by: Megan Schmison
Commencement Speaker Michael Gallo took the podium at 12:30 pm
“Is this thing on? Can you hear me? Ha, just kidding. Congratulations to the class of 2012! You guys made it! All of you are just moments away from getting a piece of paper that will open your lives up to opportunity, fortune…and I guess in your case…a LOT of farmwork. Very quiet farmwork…
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Michael Gallo, head writer and editor in chief for the Barnyard Lampoon, a comedy magazine and website. You guys were originally going to listen…eh…watch John Deere CEO Samuel Allen give a commencement address, but he backed out when he found out this is a 7 year trade school. Then the “school” tried to get the head of the hardware store here in town, but he got mauled by a feral cat last night when he passed out in the alley behind Jimbo’s Donuts…he can talk through his throat…it’s fucking disgusting. Oh sorry, I’m not supposed to curse. Anyways, late last night the Institute of Agricultural Technology and Science for the Deaf contacted me, asked me to speak, called me back and fired me, and then called me back a second time and put me back on. So open your ears…eh…eyes–and let me drop some truth on you.
I’m one of KU’s most notable alumni. I graduated just late year with honors. Summa Cum Drinking Problem. We partied so hard the night before our graduation, my roommate almost threw up on the math building just ten minutes before commencement. As I sat there listening to the commencement speaker, I could smell myself sweating out the tequila. My vision blurred 4 times in 2o minutes. I one time threw a rum punch party that was SO EPIC…they erected a statue of me at the local homeless shelter. But I also learned a lot at KU, namely, why I shouldn’t have gone to KU. I’ll never give KU a dime. In fact, if I were close enough, I’d steal from them.
Boy, your parents must have been so proud of you guys 4 years ago when there was still the possibility of you guys accomplishing something. But now what? Now you’re all standing at the front door to the house of Life! It’s real talk…eh, real signing from here on out! Real life is upon you. And trust me, you’re going to fail. Probably more than once for a lot of you. Take this chick here in the front. She’s as infertile as the Death Valley. I can tell that stuff with my eyes. But who are we to judge? It’s a war on women out there…who’s ready to kill a few people? You gotta break a few eggs if you wanna make an omelet.
Eh sorry, I said I wouldn’t talk about consequence free homicide.
I’m looking at this crowd and I see doctors…lawyers…tractor mechanics…single mothers…registered sex offenders…and one kid who, let’s be honest, just by the looks of him is probably going to end up as a custodian. Like, seriously, why would you wear a jumpsuit to your graduation?
Now, I know some of you may have a hard time hearing these life lessons from me. Well, beyond the obvious reasons. I’m aware of the controversy surrounding my visit. I read the criticism. I saw the petitions. People wanted the Institute of Agricultural Technology and Sciences for the Deaf to rescind my invitation. The source of this controversy? My public and unwavering support of same sex monkey marriage. IATASFTD grads, I urge you…nay, I BEG you to open your minds to gay monkeys. I can only hope that one day our children and their children can go to school and be friends with gay, married monkeys. I say children because monkeys marry very young. I look at you grads with your blank, empty stares and I say, “this is the change. This is our future.” Just the other day I met a gay monkey named Jinkers. He said, “Eeeeek Rahhh Ehe eke eke” and then shit in his hand. It’s absolutely tragic to think about the prejudice Jinkers deals with on a DAILY basis. And who are WE? How dumb are we going to look in 40 years when we see pictures of people protesting gay monkey marriage? This is IDENTICAL to interracial marriage. Look at pictures of people protesting that in the 50s and it’s THE SAME thing. There’s no difference. Be the tolerance you wish to see in the world. Open your minds. Free yourselves of hate. ACCEPT. GAY. MONKEYS.
And that’s what I have to say…eh, sign to all you grads. Accept. Accept this new life. Accept your diploma, and accept everything life throws at you. Date gay monkeys, find a religious person and stomp him in the face until his bigoted teeth fall out of his conservative, bigoted face! Anyone can learn wherever, whenever they want. Well, you guys need someone who knows sign language or some sort of machine that puts the volume of the TV at a frequency only pregnant dolphins can hear. Soak in life, like a sponge being pissed on. The world depends on you.
In the words of the famous Helen Keller: “WAAA WAAA!”